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In Spite Of

We become the adults we are either as a result of our childhoods or IN SPITE OF our childhoods.  I'm choice B, I suppose.  


So as I spend all this time hand stitching away, I have lots of time to ponder life in general.  Why the hell am I creating all this work for myself?  I could have just bought these baptism garments.  I could have made them, but used store-bought trim.  Why do I insists on personalizing every aspect of this project and adding more work to my already full plate?


EUREKA!!  I suddenly understand so much more about myself.  I've realized only yesterday that, again, it's in spite of my childhood.  All my time as a kid was spent competing with my mother for my father's attention.  I was never as good at anything as she was (I've got an earlier blog referencing this topic).  Sewing was one of those things.  "I'd just never even hope to be as good as she was" is what I learned to believe from my father's actions and words to me.  Well, I suppose even in her death that I'm out to prove myself just to spite my father by trying to do things better than she did.  I'm not sure if my mother made my christening dress (was I ever christened?).  Well, snap.  I've got TWO with hand beaded trim, 2 bibs, and 2 bible covers.  


So do I have my dad's attention and respect now?  Ha,  doesn't that sound crazy?  dark?  twisted?  immature?  It does to me, but it's what makes me tick and I am embracing it in this moment.  For some strange reason, I feel like Neo in The Matrix at the end when he whoops that Agent Smith's ass and flexes a "digital wave" through the matrix.  Yep, that's me at the sewing machine.  *snicker* *sneeze(nerd!)*


What a weird path my mind has taken.  Still trying to become a more well-adjusted adult I suppose.

Slightly Derailed

Well, this week is off.  DS is teething and going through anxiety phase BAD!  He didn't last 20 minutes in day care at the gym last Saturday.  And he's been up at night every night.  Whine, whine, whine.

Oh, it's all good because I've been working on baptism garments - homemade!  Yes, hand sewing zillions of little seed pearls, trim work, sewing the little bible covers and bibs is taking for.ev.er.  So during nap time, that's what I'm doing.  I'm ready to be done with all this stuff so I can get to living life again.  You know, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, scrubbing the toilets.  Oh, right.  I meant watching Opr...oh, right.  Well, shit, guess I've run out of excuses to get it on back to the gym.

OK, so standby for updates.  I've got to get myself into the new dress I bought for the baptism next weekend and haven't checked it in a couple of weeks.  Hope I can breathe!  Thank you, Assets from Target!  I'm not paying for the real Spanx, so I'll stick with the cheap sausage casing.  :)

Still Going...

I've set the blog to be viewed on your phone now.  Yea!

Last week was a success!  Monday, Tuesday and (unexpectedly) Thursday were days at the new gym.  Friday was a day at the pool, but it was short since it seems no one is tending to the pool lately.  I'll plan to hit the pool at our gym, then, not a problem.  I'm proud of myself not so much for hauling myself to the gym last week as much as I am for hauling myself AND TWO BABIES to the gym!  Leaving them in the child care area is heart wrenching.  I take comfort in the fact that they are in the "babies only" room, and that all personnel there has extensive background/fingerprint checks and monthly drug testing.  It's a great place, it's just hard to walk away from crying babies who are sad because I'm walking away from them.  I know, it's a phase all babies go through.  That doesn't make it any easier!

Anyway, we celebrated the babies' 1st birthday party, so my food was great till then.  I've had a little cupcake every day since (including today already!), but I realized something at lunch as I was chowing down on one.  When I'm feeling thinner, trimmer and less bulky, it's MUCH easier to say no to sweets and stick with the pre-determined cheat day.  Right now, I'm in the stage where I'm doing great to get to the gym and just be aware of my food intake.  It's not like I'm eating 5 or 6 cupcakes (oh yes I can do that, trust me I've seen me do it).  I'm taking baby steps toward a much bigger picture.  I'm not even feeling guilty, I'm just OK with the fact that I keep it to ONE cupcake.  haha

I've got appointments for childcare at the gym already for Monday & Tuesday.  We can only schedule 48 hours in advance, so I've been sure to get it done as each day comes.  This is an intense week of having (out-of-town) company coming to help me sew some baptism gear, so that's going to be it till Saturday.  I'm pretty good with that!

It's A New Day...Again

Well, yesterday was a start and today begins a new phase in my life (oh, how many times have I said that?).  We went to church services yesterday and left DT's (darling twins) to the nursery to stay there for the first time without us.  Wow, that was pretty rough for me.

After church, we stopped by the local athletic center and I signed up.  Yes, that is a huge step for me.  I reserved a spot for child care for today and tomorrow, which means that I'm committed to going for these two days at least.  Getting there is no big deal, it's the routine for DT's and getting them loaded up and dropped off and actually leaving them that's getting me.  Oh, and I'm going at high noon when it's 103 degrees outside.  Add that to the mix.  Can my brain process all this?!  I'm still sore from my swim and grass mowing on Saturday!  I posted those on twitter, are you following me?

Well, it's a huge deal, today is.  I've got 4 weeks until a big event and a dress I've got to fit into, so it's time to get my ass in gear, it's time to start taking the bambinos to day care for at least an hour at a time.  They're being baptized in 4 weeks, and I don't want to be the fat mom in the pictures.  When I see pictures of myself with them, I cringe.  I avoid having my picture made with my babies because I hate the way I look.  That pretty much sucks.

Here's what I'm planning so far:  Writing in my food journal again; it's been a while.  For this week, "cheat days" are Tuesday and Friday (DT's birthday cake).  Going to the gym Today and tomorrow.  Swimming Friday morning and perhaps Saturday morning too.  That's all I've got for now.  I'll try to tweet and keep a post going every now and then.

Wish me luck, I'm headed BACK TO THE GYM TODAY!!!  It's been a long time!  Today's weight check in is 204.2 lbs according to my scale (I"m sure it's at least 25 pounds over).  Here I go!

Easter

Well, Easter was interesting.  It didn't really feel like Easter, but then it never really did to me.

On Saturday, the day before Easter, I spent the day running errands.  It felt so great to get out of the house, but I felt like I wanted to be home with the babies (DT) and DH.  We decided to make our Easter dinner on Saturday evening and eat it then because we knew there was no way we could do it on Sunday.  I was so tired at the end of that day!  It's the most cooking I've done in a very long time!  Since before the babies were born I guess.  We just had some little ham sandwiches with basting sauce - nothing fancy.  But I was exhausted from making just that.  So as we ate at the dinner table, we had already finished feeding DTs theirs.  We let them sit in their high chairs with us at the table.  So we ate our nice Easter dinner with babies howling, whining and babbling.  By this point in the day, Iwas pretty frazzled and thinking to myself, "Are you kidding?!  This is Easter?!"  And a second later I realized, "Yes, this is our new Easter.  This is my new life.  This is it."  And I'm lucky that I have 2 babies.  I can't imagine going through the difficult pregnancy and then delivery and just getting one baby.  That would have sucked a rotten egg.

I love my babies, and it's a new thing for me to practice patience at the end of the day. I love them so much and I wouldn't trade them for the world!  I just need to settle into "mama" and I'll be OK.

Easter day was a church day.  We learned our lesson last week and took the babies in the stroller this time.  That worked very well - note to self!!!  Anyhoo, Easter day was like a normal day except we spent a few minutes before church seeing what the Easter bunny brought.  We didn't make a big deal of it, just 2 tiny felt baskets with a couple of little trinkets for photos.

Action and Reaction

I did go for that walk today.  Yuck.  I hated it.  Why did my HR seem so low, but I could barely breath?  My body burned like fire.  Yes, it was just a walk, not a muscle scorching trip to the gym.

I've been thinking about something I saw on TV about the 3rd (?) law of motion.  For every action, there is a reaction.  I have forgotten that in recent months.  Well, maybe longer than that.  Every move I make with my babies is going to produce some kind of reaction.  They will react to me, or maybe they will react by internalizing what I say and do with them.  I don't want to be the kind of parent that my parents were.  I need to keep that in mind.  "When I say _____, what is my baby's reaction to that?"

Also this applies to me physically.  The action of carrying twins and then having them has a reaction that lasts longer than I realized.

Oh, all this thinking has me tired.  I think I'll go lie down now.

Seasons

I mowed the grass yesterday (gasp!).  I was talking to my neighbor for the first time in months.  I always thought she was a little bit crazy, but maybe she's not.  She said something that I've been turning over in my mind.  We were talking about the struggles to bring up newborn babies and how our yards and landscaping reflect what's going on inside our homes.  She said, "Well, we all have our seasons."


A-HA!  Brilliant!  Yes, now I do see that my life has been a succession of seasons, and never in the order of nature.  I had my spring season when I was in tip-top physical condition (Xena Warrior Princess kickboxing instructor), and now I'm having a little winter. Well, maybe right in the dead of winter.  Trying to pull myself out physically, but limited by the reality that is my new life.  


But am I limited?  Maybe I should think about it differently.  I'm not limited, but rather I have different priorities right now than the size of my ass.  And that crappy extra skin & fat in the "spare tire" region from pregnancy and the inability to stop eating for 3.  Oh, I digress.


OK, I'll say this out loud:  we'll be celebrating our first whole year as parents in late June. I'd like to have a goal of some figure improvements by then.  Like shrinking of backside, elimination of fat.  I want to improve myself for my babies' first birthday.  I need to draw up a map.  How many weeks?  Establish a cheat day (or 2) a week?  Make a meal plan?  When it's too windy to walk (most days now), what's plan B?  OK, time to get to work...


Please feel free to post comments, thoughts, advice, encouragement, humorous insults, whatever!  

Puss Cakes Kiss My XXX

I just don't get to blog as much as I wish that I could. I need to vent, so here I am!

I had a really hard day yesterday. Life bringing up twins isn't for wusses! We got everyone fed, dressed and exercised (with play time) for a trip to church for a Palm Sunday service. That in itself is a hell of a lot of work! We each carry in a baby and find a pew quickly in the back. The babies were like little monkeys through the entire service. I was pretty tired and my arms were burning. I haven't had much exercise besides taking care of them and am still in bad condition regarding fitness. Anyway, when the service was over, we had to wade through crowds of people standing in the way (each of us still carrying a baby), then we finally get outside after pushing through a really heavy door with a floor matt stuck in it (no one stopped to help us struggling to get through the door). There were lots of parents and grandparents standing just outside for the kids' Easter egg hunt to begin. My arm was about to fall off at this point and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! We we had to slowly wade through more people to get to our car, then load up the babies in car seats. Halfway through this process, my arm just gave out and I had to stop for a moment.

After getting everyone clicked in, I sat in my seat watching all the suburban skinny happy smiling moms chase their toddlers around in the grass with Easter baskets. I couldn't help myself - I just started crying. Why am I so tired? Why am I not stick skinny already like all these moms? Why don't I have energy to go to the egg hunt? Why aren't I happy and smiling like all these women with beautiful dresses and freshly blown out hair?

It was at this moment that I just sort of started to begin to unravel for the rest of the day. DH pointed out some very important points to help me feel better and reassure me: where were all the 9 month babies and their mamas?! Nowhere to be found. Good point; we'd only seen families with infants and walking toddlers - not much in between. Second point: Where were all the families with twins? NOT ANYONE TO BE FOUND! We were the ONLY parents with twins in all the hundreds of people around us. Those families probably were at home. Third point: one family pulled up in their car in shorts (they weren't at the religious service) just so they could participate in the egg hunt. Well, that would be easy, to just simply show up for an egg hunt on Sunday and skip church in dresses. I could have thrown on some shorts and done that easily.

So as I cried my way through the day feeling sorry for myself, I had lots of thoughts roll around in my head. People who have never birthed or brought up multiples have NOT THE FOGGIEST IDEA of how hard it is. People who say they do and those who give advice freely need to shut the hell up. Oh, don't even think of telling me that "you understand." Oh, no, you do not. Not for one second!

When I realize that we were the only ones carrying twins, it dawned on me for the millionth time that bringing up twins is not for wusses. All those happy smiling beautiful moms I was seeing are a bunch of puss-cakes with their singletons. I think of how much easier it would be if I had only one baby, but my husband has a much healthier approach. He says, "Well, that's not our reality, so there's no point in thinking about what-if. TWINS is our reality, and we're kicking ass!" Thanks, DH.

I also think that these puss-cakes didn't have my pregnancy. I sat on the couch or in a hospital bed for months. So I can't catch my breath when I carry around a 20 pound baby for 2 hours, that's OK! I don't expect myself to compete in a fitness competition yet, do I? I'm so hard on myself since I was once in such great shape.

I need to give myself a break and LOVE myself instead for what I've been through. I'm a wonderful mom, even though I make mistakes and don't figure everything out right away. Sometimes I lay them in their cribs crying, close the door and walk away because I need a time out. That's OK, right? Yes. I need to rest a lot more than I used to in the afternoons because I'm not in tip top condition yet. That's OK, right? Yes. I need a god damn vacation to a beach somewhere with foofie drinks with umbrellas in them, that's OK, right? HELL YEAH!

Oh, yesterday sucked the big one. But today, I'm doing alright. I'm working on the things that I can change and trying to forget about the things that I can't. Those things aren't worth my energy. I'm just worried about what's available in our house for dinner. That's a pretty easy problem to have right now. :)

I'M BACK

It's been a while! I've got twin babies now. Getting back into any kind of movement has been extremely challenging. At the rate I'm going, I'll be saying, "Oh, I just had twins and I'm still sort of getting into the swing of it...blah blah blah," at their high school graduations. I think my grace period is over and I'm feeling much better.

The challenges at this point are:

-how to make 30 minutes a day for exercise a priority***BIG ONE!

-to keep at it in order to make it a habit again

-to stay motivated when I feel so weak

-to know how to manage my eating habits (I'm not eating for 3 anymore!)

I'm just walking around the neighborhood at this point. Walking with a double stroller and a big dog is quite a challenge. Today, I said, "Screw it, I'm taking only the stroller and Puppy Dog can just deal with it." And you know what? I had a great walk without struggling with a leash. Good for me. That was a great obstacle for me to overcome today. The thought and anticipation of this whole situation makes me not want to go out for a walk. Getting myself and 2 babies ready takes a lot of time (time enough for me to talk myself out of it).

I've got an account at runkeeper.com (it's available as an iPhone app). I turn it on (on my phone) when I walk, and it tracks my location, time, pace, etc. I have the option to join others to create a "street team." It's linked to my twitter account, so every time I exercise, it'll post a tweet.

Well, I'm back to the beginning. Wish me luck! I don't want to be one of those fat lazy moms!