I had a really hard day yesterday. Life bringing up twins isn't for wusses! We got everyone fed, dressed and exercised (with play time) for a trip to church for a Palm Sunday service. That in itself is a hell of a lot of work! We each carry in a baby and find a pew quickly in the back. The babies were like little monkeys through the entire service. I was pretty tired and my arms were burning. I haven't had much exercise besides taking care of them and am still in bad condition regarding fitness. Anyway, when the service was over, we had to wade through crowds of people standing in the way (each of us still carrying a baby), then we finally get outside after pushing through a really heavy door with a floor matt stuck in it (no one stopped to help us struggling to get through the door). There were lots of parents and grandparents standing just outside for the kids' Easter egg hunt to begin. My arm was about to fall off at this point and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! We we had to slowly wade through more people to get to our car, then load up the babies in car seats. Halfway through this process, my arm just gave out and I had to stop for a moment.
After getting everyone clicked in, I sat in my seat watching all the suburban skinny happy smiling moms chase their toddlers around in the grass with Easter baskets. I couldn't help myself - I just started crying. Why am I so tired? Why am I not stick skinny already like all these moms? Why don't I have energy to go to the egg hunt? Why aren't I happy and smiling like all these women with beautiful dresses and freshly blown out hair?
It was at this moment that I just sort of started to begin to unravel for the rest of the day. DH pointed out some very important points to help me feel better and reassure me: where were all the 9 month babies and their mamas?! Nowhere to be found. Good point; we'd only seen families with infants and walking toddlers - not much in between. Second point: Where were all the families with twins? NOT ANYONE TO BE FOUND! We were the ONLY parents with twins in all the hundreds of people around us. Those families probably were at home. Third point: one family pulled up in their car in shorts (they weren't at the religious service) just so they could participate in the egg hunt. Well, that would be easy, to just simply show up for an egg hunt on Sunday and skip church in dresses. I could have thrown on some shorts and done that easily.
So as I cried my way through the day feeling sorry for myself, I had lots of thoughts roll around in my head. People who have never birthed or brought up multiples have NOT THE FOGGIEST IDEA of how hard it is. People who say they do and those who give advice freely need to shut the hell up. Oh, don't even think of telling me that "you understand." Oh, no, you do not. Not for one second!
When I realize that we were the only ones carrying twins, it dawned on me for the millionth time that bringing up twins is not for wusses. All those happy smiling beautiful moms I was seeing are a bunch of puss-cakes with their singletons. I think of how much easier it would be if I had only one baby, but my husband has a much healthier approach. He says, "Well, that's not our reality, so there's no point in thinking about what-if. TWINS is our reality, and we're kicking ass!" Thanks, DH.
I also think that these puss-cakes didn't have my pregnancy. I sat on the couch or in a hospital bed for months. So I can't catch my breath when I carry around a 20 pound baby for 2 hours, that's OK! I don't expect myself to compete in a fitness competition yet, do I? I'm so hard on myself since I was once in such great shape.
I need to give myself a break and LOVE myself instead for what I've been through. I'm a wonderful mom, even though I make mistakes and don't figure everything out right away. Sometimes I lay them in their cribs crying, close the door and walk away because I need a time out. That's OK, right? Yes. I need to rest a lot more than I used to in the afternoons because I'm not in tip top condition yet. That's OK, right? Yes. I need a god damn vacation to a beach somewhere with foofie drinks with umbrellas in them, that's OK, right? HELL YEAH!
Oh, yesterday sucked the big one. But today, I'm doing alright. I'm working on the things that I can change and trying to forget about the things that I can't. Those things aren't worth my energy. I'm just worried about what's available in our house for dinner. That's a pretty easy problem to have right now. :)
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