Well, I did work out with Wii on Saturday morning for 30 minutes. It was a low level workout because I'd been feeling so sick - and I'm still feeling that way, so I haven't worked out since! I think it must be allergies, because the feeling comes and goes. Who wants to train with a pounding headache and being able to breathe only through your mouth? Not me. I actually have a nose-ache, if that is such a thing.

Well, you know Vegas is approaching! I'm having a very hard time looking forward to it because my first stop on the trip is to visit family (cue ominous music here, something like the Darth Vadar theme). I am anticipating a very strained visit over dinner - it just always goes that way, no matter how joyful I try to be. It's so difficult to get along with my family.

The good news is that I had a super great time meeting with my Alanon sponsor today!!! She is so wise and seemed to know exactly the right things to share with me today. Of the many things she reminded me, here is a nugget of wisdom that I should tattoo on my forearm:

Expectations are preconceived failures.

I have so many expectations of how my family should approach me, what are appropriate subjects to talk about, the right tone of voice to use, etc. I need to let go of my expectations and just worry about my own self! My Sponsor helped me to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to the table. If a conversation turns sour because of something someone said, I need to remember that it might have been said in pain. I do not know the pain, suffering and joy of each person who will be at the dinner table, and therefore I cannot possibly know the agenda behind what's being said. Am I making any sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

I have to curb my desire to respond to (what I deem as) inappropriate questions with vinegar and honey. I just want to (act like a 4 year old) spit back statements that may be as hurtful as the question. For example:

Family member: "Why don't you come visit us anymore?"

Me: "In the entire 11 years of my married life, you never once came to visit me. I'm tired of footing the travel bill."

Other questions I hate:

"When are you having kids?"

"Why can't you spend more time with us today?"

"Why couldn't you get here earlier?"

"Why did cut off all your pretty hair?"

"Have you found a job yet?"

"How much is your vacation to Vegas costing you? Well, you don't even have a job! How are you going to pay for it?" (This will be a likely conversation)

"Since you're not working, how much money is your husband making?"

"When are you coming for our next visit?"

"How's your dad? Why haven't you talked to him?"

These questions sound crazy even to me, but seriously, they get asked at practically every family visit! Once, when I shared my wish to start a garden at our new place in the backyard, I was told, "Well, you can't do that! It takes the years to prepare the soil for a garden. And the grass runners will take over anyway. You won't be able to have a garden, you're just being silly." I'm not exaggerating!

This is typical, and I need to stop worrying about it. I have no control over it.

Now that I've gotten these things off my chest, I'm going to set it aside for now. I'm going to think about Vegas and how much fun I'm going to have with my friend!!!

I'm chairing an Alanon meeting tonight. I'm planning the topic to be "communication." My sponsor recommended remembering "detachment" as well. Yep, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm glad I met with her today!!!

Down and Out

Boo, hiss!!!

Well, I didn't get a workout today. I've been stricken down with something nasty - a virus maybe? I've done nothing but nap all day long. I haven't been sick in years, I think! I've been so healthy for so long that I forgot how bad it feels to be sick!

The back of my neck all the way up to the top of my head feels sore and tender. There is a white pasty substance in the back of my throat (according to my husband) and I feel like I've got golf ball sized tumors back in there. It hurts to swallow. I think I'm dying with swine flu. OK, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic.

I was reading my Alanon book today since I didn't feel like laundry and other manual labor chores. "Gratitude" was one of the subjects, among many others. I did actually get a good chunk of reading finished.

Today I am grateful the I can lay in front of the TV and rest in a comfortable home. Disney's Pinnochio is just coming on ABCFamily, so I'm going to exercise some gratitude before I doze off again. Better luck tomorrow.

Memories!

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers

I had to do some running in place for part of my workout this morning, which I depsise. DON'T INTELLIGENT TRAINERS AND FITNESS SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS REALIZE THAT WOMEN HAVE BREASTS? THESE THINGS BOUNCE, DONCHA KNOW??!! Men and skinny flat chested women just don't understand the gravity of this situation. AAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!! GRAVITY!! Oh, boy, I should keep my day job.

I heard from some cousins with whom I haven't spoken in years. Facebook is such a wonderful thing! Oh, some great memories are flooding back, and reconnecting with family doesn't have to be a painful thing. For me, it's unusual, but I love hearing from my long lost cousins! Can't wait to hear more from them!

Yesterday evening for dinner, we made fajitas. Take away the cheese and sour cream and the sheer volume of food intake, and it may have actually been healthy! Ha! Go figure. Anyway, I made homemade whole wheat tortillas, refried beans from scratch a few days before, sweet onions & mushrooms and my husband grilled the chicken. On the side were the beans & spanish rice (made from a packet - not from scratch). Pretty good, but the whole wheat tortillas are a bit cardboard-y.

Yea for me!! I worked out this morning! I took the doggie for a little trek around the neighborhood, even though it's still "crotch-pot-hot." Then I did a 30 minute workout on Wii EASports and it kicked my butt. There are some things I'd change about the program, but at this point, I'm pouring sweat, so I'm not going to fire off a letter to the company just yet. There's no post workout stretching, and that's a big problem for me. Fortunately, I am the smartest woman in the world, so I finished off with my own stretch routine.

In my Alanon program, I am working through the 12 steps with my sponsor. I was surprised that Alanon works the same steps that AA does. At first, I thought, "Why would I need to do this? I don't have a drinking problem." But as I study the steps, attend meetings, and consider the wisdom that people share at meetings, I now realize how important working these steps is to me. And I also think that Alanon is great for everyone, not just family and friends of alcoholics!

I'm working step 2 right now: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." I've been getting hung up on the concept of "God" in this step, but you know what? As I wrote out step 2 just now, I've only just now observed that God isn't even mentioned in the step. Hmm. How about that?

Well, for the time that I've been living with an active alcoholic, I certainly have had many moments of insanity; feeling like I was crazy and wanted to die, scratch my skin off, pull out my hair, etc. Going to Alanon meetings has certainly been "a power greater than myself." Getting my feelings out on paper, sharing with friends, blogging, I consider all of these things great powers. I really love the Star Wars concept of "The Force (or 'The Fierce,' depending on my mood)." I can learn from all of these sources how to bring serenity, balance and peace to my own mind.

Now, I don't like how step 2 is worded: "...power...can restore us...." This power can't magically do anything for me. I can learn the tools, or "study the magic spells" and learn how to make life work well for me. When I run out of gas in the car, a higher power isn't going to make a can of gas magically appear. I have the tools (drivers' license, money, a set of wheels) to help me get to the gas station to fill up. These tools are what I'm learning through my step study.

I mentioned in last evening's meeting that I wish life had an instruction manual, but unfortunately, it just doesn't. A very brilliant person stated later that "for me, the Alanon blue handbook is my instruction manual." Oh, why didn't I see that?! Hmm. Yes, it never dawned on me quite like that; I'm still new Alanon and still discovering!

Have a great Tuesday, Friends. May The Fierce be with you.

A Moment of Self-Realization

So I went to an Alanon meeting this evening thinking, "Hmmm, what more can I possibly learn?" Well, a whole lot, it turns out!

At the meeting, I was reading a passage aloud about resentments and how toxic they can be to us. I realized and shared with the group my thoughts on how I learned the fine art of hanging onto resentments from a very early age. My father's picture is in the dictionary under "resentment." He holds so much resentment to so many people, it's destroyed lots of wonderful relationships for him, and I feel sorry for him.

I realized later (when someone else was sharing) that OH MY GOSH! This is a pattern with my entire family! This is what I learned from watching my father and his sibling regarding resentment:

Forgiveness is a sign if weakness. Resentment (holding grudges and being angry with a person) is a sign of strength. The longer a person can hold onto a resentment, the stronger he becomes. "Real men don't forgive."

I was on the receiving end of that stick during my teenage years, when my father raised me by himself. When I got in trouble, boy, was I in trouble for WEEKS at a time for something as simple as not practicing the piano for 30 minutes (or something as seemingly inconsequential). I don't think my father approached me as a "female/lady/fairer sex" because as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't as much woman as my mother was, and I could certainly never hope to be.

I realize now that even my mother unconsciously taught me not to behave like a lady. I'll never forget this event:

When I was young (maybe 5 years old), I went shopping with my mother for beautiful little girls' dresses. I tried on a few really fairy tale princess-y dresses with the frilly lacy petticoats underneath, you know, the kind you wear with white patent Mary Jane shoes and white socks with big lace around the ankles. It was the first time I remember feeling beautiful. My mom wouldn't let me out of the dressing room, and I understand why, now that I'm older. She shook her head and said, "No, we can't get you these dresses until you lose some weight. You're too fat."

WHAT THE HELL????!!!! I was a child! I have held this memory all my life and never shared it with another soul. I realize now how that one moment damaged my self image for the rest of my life. That one sentence spoken by my mother spun me into a dimension of self-loathing. A mother is supposed to make sure her daughter feels beautiful, not fat.

Well, anyway, back to the whole "my family resents everybody and everything" issue, I came home and talked with my husband about all this. I shared with him that I have approached our marriage with much undeserved and preconceived resentments. I've grown resentful and stayed angry with him for days, not blinking an eye about ruining holidays or special events. Yeah, just like I always hated my father for doing. My god, what have I become?

So, Friends, I have a shortcoming I need to work on. When I get to that step in Alanon, it will be on my list. It's been a big night for me and I'm mentally exhausted. Good night.

Almost Vegas

Well, Saturday was a lazy day, but yesterday I have to tell you about! I did a 45 minute workout on Wii EASports and it totally kicked my butt! Dudes, I was drenched in sweaty sweat! Wow!

Today, I went for a long walk in the hot heat with the doggie and thinking about what I've got to do the rest of the day! Vegas is coming and it hit me this morning - it's next week! Holy cow!

Well, I think I was a bit too hasty when I thought I could fit into the Vegas dress by next week - it's just not happening. But I'm going to keep working on it. I have another super cute dress I found at Ross for $10 I'll be taking to Vegas instead.

Just a quick message to remind myself that I'm still alive and I need to be healthy. Happy Monday everyone!!

Friday Already?!

Well, my motivation has waned. I realize it's been 4 days since I last blogged. And my food journal - well, let's just say that I've procrastinated to the point of blank pages this week. I will be having dinner with some family members I don't see too frequently in just a few weeks, and I'm really dreading it. I think that's got a lot to do with the fact that I'm not fired up this week. I did go swimming and I'm still Wii-ing, though, so I do feel pretty good about that.

I've been having thoughts of switching the blog to "publicly published." This means that anyone would be able to see it. Perhaps you noticed I changed my user name to Ace Mandrel at the bottom of these posts - I'm testing the waters. I do wish to remain anonymous and wasn't even sure if I could do that, but it seems ok so far...

I will be sifting through the posts to check for anonymity (yours and mine!) throughout in the next week or so. I'm still on the fence on this and haven't completely decided. I'll change names if I find any (to protect the innocent). I'll change the settings so that I can read comments first, then choose people's comments to post.

If you have thoughts, please share them! Have a great Friday!

New Monday

Yea! I workout out this morning, but it was rough. I got 15 minutes through an EASports Wii session and started over with another one. My legs are sore, so I thought I picked one that would not focus on legs. Wrongo! So I got a good hour of Wii today. Good for me.

Yesterday I did Kung Fu yard work and ate ice cream. Woo! What a day. It was still too hot to be mowing grass, but I did it anyway. Why? Because I can. And I should!

Food has been pretty good for me today. I don't feel like going into details, but I will say that I had peppers from my garden (stuffed) for dinner. Yummy.

I've had a struggle with my mood today and I've just wanted to eat junk. I spoke with one of my aunts on the phone today. She was really rude (as she usually is) for no reason I could find and I tried my best not to let it eat me up inside. She's like that with me and my other two cousins, as well as a few other family members. Everyone excuses her crappy moods "because she's so heavy and unhappy." That seems to be a theme in my family - "making excuses for others' bad behavior." That really ticks me off. Maybe that's why my aunt is 58 years old and still acts like a 5 year old; because no one taught her to stop.

Also, I am really ticked about Michael Vick, who was on 60 Minutes yesterday evening. As Jill Conner Browne said in The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, "some men need killin.'" The world would be a better place if he would vanish. Perhaps some PETA folks will handle that and I shall do a happy dance. I've just been thinking about how injust and pathetic that whole situation is, and how it pisses me off. So I got on the floor and gave my dog some loving scratching and petting because that's what I CAN do today.

I've been doing housework all day and I'm beat. I think I'll sleep good tonight.

I was watching the show Ruby this past weekend. I think she's on Style Network. I really love that show which I've only just started catching pieces of. She went kayaking for the first time. She talked about how afraid she was to do something new (too fat to get in the boat, she can't do something she's never done before, etc.) and how the old fat Ruby was trying to talk the new slimmer Ruby out of doing something she's always wanted to do. I was really relating to her! If you haven't seen that show, it's worth checking out.

Well, I just don't have anything else to say for today (certainly no words of wisdom). I just feel tired and I'm sure this passage will seem like rambling. I have plans to work out again tomorrow, so I'll see y'all on the flip side!

You guys still with me?!