At the meeting, I was reading a passage aloud about resentments and how toxic they can be to us. I realized and shared with the group my thoughts on how I learned the fine art of hanging onto resentments from a very early age. My father's picture is in the dictionary under "resentment." He holds so much resentment to so many people, it's destroyed lots of wonderful relationships for him, and I feel sorry for him.
I realized later (when someone else was sharing) that OH MY GOSH! This is a pattern with my entire family! This is what I learned from watching my father and his sibling regarding resentment:
Forgiveness is a sign if weakness. Resentment (holding grudges and being angry with a person) is a sign of strength. The longer a person can hold onto a resentment, the stronger he becomes. "Real men don't forgive."
I was on the receiving end of that stick during my teenage years, when my father raised me by himself. When I got in trouble, boy, was I in trouble for WEEKS at a time for something as simple as not practicing the piano for 30 minutes (or something as seemingly inconsequential). I don't think my father approached me as a "female/lady/fairer sex" because as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't as much woman as my mother was, and I could certainly never hope to be.
I realize now that even my mother unconsciously taught me not to behave like a lady. I'll never forget this event:
When I was young (maybe 5 years old), I went shopping with my mother for beautiful little girls' dresses. I tried on a few really fairy tale princess-y dresses with the frilly lacy petticoats underneath, you know, the kind you wear with white patent Mary Jane shoes and white socks with big lace around the ankles. It was the first time I remember feeling beautiful. My mom wouldn't let me out of the dressing room, and I understand why, now that I'm older. She shook her head and said, "No, we can't get you these dresses until you lose some weight. You're too fat."
WHAT THE HELL????!!!! I was a child! I have held this memory all my life and never shared it with another soul. I realize now how that one moment damaged my self image for the rest of my life. That one sentence spoken by my mother spun me into a dimension of self-loathing. A mother is supposed to make sure her daughter feels beautiful, not fat.
Well, anyway, back to the whole "my family resents everybody and everything" issue, I came home and talked with my husband about all this. I shared with him that I have approached our marriage with much undeserved and preconceived resentments. I've grown resentful and stayed angry with him for days, not blinking an eye about ruining holidays or special events. Yeah, just like I always hated my father for doing. My god, what have I become?
So, Friends, I have a shortcoming I need to work on. When I get to that step in Alanon, it will be on my list. It's been a big night for me and I'm mentally exhausted. Good night.
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