Can't sleep!

OK, I'm completely weird-ed out and I can't sleep.

I had a pretty rough evening. I was hanging in there OK, when suddenly I had a quick downturn of my mood for some unknown reason; I do that a lot lately. I don't know, it's Tuesday, so I guess I'm due a white-hot mood swing. I suddenly became very angry and really couldn't wait to get out of the house to my Alanon meeting. Oh, boy. Then things got worse. I'm supposed to feel better after a meeting, but just not so.

I'm new to Alanon, and quite frankly, I don't know my ass from my elbow these days. Life for the past year and a half has been confusing and I'm just trying to get out of bed and brush my teeth, much less anything else. Seriously, it's a huge deal for me to get dressed (in real clothes, not pajamas). Sometimes, that's a good goal to have.

(Venting starts here) Anyhoo, I feel like a pack of Mary Kay ladies is descending on me at Alanon. "You really need to buy another book...you really should chair a meeting...don't you want to be on our email list?...you really should..." OH MY GOD, I barely walked through the door and I'm ready to bolt already! I'm completely new to this, I'm just trying to learn how to get through the day, I'm only on step one! I don't know how to say "no" with confidence again, I'm still just trying to locate my elbow. I feel like they're trying to run me off. I need simplicity, not complicated-y. I just need a soft place to fall, a meeting where I can learn something wise, not more complication. K.I.S.S. ("keep it simple, stupid" - have you heard that?).

I am totally freaked out. So what's the knee jerk reaction? Stuff my face with crap food at midnight, internalize, bottle it up. Hate on my husband for getting us into this situation. If it weren't for him and his stupid drinking problem, I'd be skipping through fields of wildflowers, tip-toe-ing through the tulips. Hate, hate, hate, fester, fester, fester, rot, rot, rot.

Poor, poor me. Send sympathy chocolates to me at . . .haha.

What has happened to me? This is not me. Feeling sorry for myself and eating away my pain? This rabbit hole is pretty deep. Good thing I found the food.