Seasons

I mowed the grass yesterday (gasp!).  I was talking to my neighbor for the first time in months.  I always thought she was a little bit crazy, but maybe she's not.  She said something that I've been turning over in my mind.  We were talking about the struggles to bring up newborn babies and how our yards and landscaping reflect what's going on inside our homes.  She said, "Well, we all have our seasons."


A-HA!  Brilliant!  Yes, now I do see that my life has been a succession of seasons, and never in the order of nature.  I had my spring season when I was in tip-top physical condition (Xena Warrior Princess kickboxing instructor), and now I'm having a little winter. Well, maybe right in the dead of winter.  Trying to pull myself out physically, but limited by the reality that is my new life.  


But am I limited?  Maybe I should think about it differently.  I'm not limited, but rather I have different priorities right now than the size of my ass.  And that crappy extra skin & fat in the "spare tire" region from pregnancy and the inability to stop eating for 3.  Oh, I digress.


OK, I'll say this out loud:  we'll be celebrating our first whole year as parents in late June. I'd like to have a goal of some figure improvements by then.  Like shrinking of backside, elimination of fat.  I want to improve myself for my babies' first birthday.  I need to draw up a map.  How many weeks?  Establish a cheat day (or 2) a week?  Make a meal plan?  When it's too windy to walk (most days now), what's plan B?  OK, time to get to work...


Please feel free to post comments, thoughts, advice, encouragement, humorous insults, whatever!  

Puss Cakes Kiss My XXX

I just don't get to blog as much as I wish that I could. I need to vent, so here I am!

I had a really hard day yesterday. Life bringing up twins isn't for wusses! We got everyone fed, dressed and exercised (with play time) for a trip to church for a Palm Sunday service. That in itself is a hell of a lot of work! We each carry in a baby and find a pew quickly in the back. The babies were like little monkeys through the entire service. I was pretty tired and my arms were burning. I haven't had much exercise besides taking care of them and am still in bad condition regarding fitness. Anyway, when the service was over, we had to wade through crowds of people standing in the way (each of us still carrying a baby), then we finally get outside after pushing through a really heavy door with a floor matt stuck in it (no one stopped to help us struggling to get through the door). There were lots of parents and grandparents standing just outside for the kids' Easter egg hunt to begin. My arm was about to fall off at this point and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! We we had to slowly wade through more people to get to our car, then load up the babies in car seats. Halfway through this process, my arm just gave out and I had to stop for a moment.

After getting everyone clicked in, I sat in my seat watching all the suburban skinny happy smiling moms chase their toddlers around in the grass with Easter baskets. I couldn't help myself - I just started crying. Why am I so tired? Why am I not stick skinny already like all these moms? Why don't I have energy to go to the egg hunt? Why aren't I happy and smiling like all these women with beautiful dresses and freshly blown out hair?

It was at this moment that I just sort of started to begin to unravel for the rest of the day. DH pointed out some very important points to help me feel better and reassure me: where were all the 9 month babies and their mamas?! Nowhere to be found. Good point; we'd only seen families with infants and walking toddlers - not much in between. Second point: Where were all the families with twins? NOT ANYONE TO BE FOUND! We were the ONLY parents with twins in all the hundreds of people around us. Those families probably were at home. Third point: one family pulled up in their car in shorts (they weren't at the religious service) just so they could participate in the egg hunt. Well, that would be easy, to just simply show up for an egg hunt on Sunday and skip church in dresses. I could have thrown on some shorts and done that easily.

So as I cried my way through the day feeling sorry for myself, I had lots of thoughts roll around in my head. People who have never birthed or brought up multiples have NOT THE FOGGIEST IDEA of how hard it is. People who say they do and those who give advice freely need to shut the hell up. Oh, don't even think of telling me that "you understand." Oh, no, you do not. Not for one second!

When I realize that we were the only ones carrying twins, it dawned on me for the millionth time that bringing up twins is not for wusses. All those happy smiling beautiful moms I was seeing are a bunch of puss-cakes with their singletons. I think of how much easier it would be if I had only one baby, but my husband has a much healthier approach. He says, "Well, that's not our reality, so there's no point in thinking about what-if. TWINS is our reality, and we're kicking ass!" Thanks, DH.

I also think that these puss-cakes didn't have my pregnancy. I sat on the couch or in a hospital bed for months. So I can't catch my breath when I carry around a 20 pound baby for 2 hours, that's OK! I don't expect myself to compete in a fitness competition yet, do I? I'm so hard on myself since I was once in such great shape.

I need to give myself a break and LOVE myself instead for what I've been through. I'm a wonderful mom, even though I make mistakes and don't figure everything out right away. Sometimes I lay them in their cribs crying, close the door and walk away because I need a time out. That's OK, right? Yes. I need to rest a lot more than I used to in the afternoons because I'm not in tip top condition yet. That's OK, right? Yes. I need a god damn vacation to a beach somewhere with foofie drinks with umbrellas in them, that's OK, right? HELL YEAH!

Oh, yesterday sucked the big one. But today, I'm doing alright. I'm working on the things that I can change and trying to forget about the things that I can't. Those things aren't worth my energy. I'm just worried about what's available in our house for dinner. That's a pretty easy problem to have right now. :)

I'M BACK

It's been a while! I've got twin babies now. Getting back into any kind of movement has been extremely challenging. At the rate I'm going, I'll be saying, "Oh, I just had twins and I'm still sort of getting into the swing of it...blah blah blah," at their high school graduations. I think my grace period is over and I'm feeling much better.

The challenges at this point are:

-how to make 30 minutes a day for exercise a priority***BIG ONE!

-to keep at it in order to make it a habit again

-to stay motivated when I feel so weak

-to know how to manage my eating habits (I'm not eating for 3 anymore!)

I'm just walking around the neighborhood at this point. Walking with a double stroller and a big dog is quite a challenge. Today, I said, "Screw it, I'm taking only the stroller and Puppy Dog can just deal with it." And you know what? I had a great walk without struggling with a leash. Good for me. That was a great obstacle for me to overcome today. The thought and anticipation of this whole situation makes me not want to go out for a walk. Getting myself and 2 babies ready takes a lot of time (time enough for me to talk myself out of it).

I've got an account at runkeeper.com (it's available as an iPhone app). I turn it on (on my phone) when I walk, and it tracks my location, time, pace, etc. I have the option to join others to create a "street team." It's linked to my twitter account, so every time I exercise, it'll post a tweet.

Well, I'm back to the beginning. Wish me luck! I don't want to be one of those fat lazy moms!

Post-Vaca!

This blog is public - whee!!! Email notification won't be sent anymore when I update, so be sure to visit the site often...www.trainingshoes.blogspot.com. If you see that I haven't been around, feel free to poke me or something. We all need encouragement every now and again. Feel free to recommend that blog to someone who might enjoy reading it - everything here is anonymous (comments go through me first before I can publish them).

Well, woopee! I survived the family, and I can testify that anticipation is far worse than the actual event, but you already know that, right?! Vegas kicked ass and we had a great time. Well deserved! I was pissed that I didn't get into that silver dress, though, but that's another story.

I'm so glad the weather's finally cooling down and I can get outside and walk! I'm really having a hard time getting back in the habit of a daily training routine, and I'm really having a super hard time getting motivated!! I'm in a rut, that's for sure.

Boy, it's been a while since I've been here. It always feels good to be back. It feels good to get my emotions out of me!

Did anyone catch MacKenzie Phillips on Oprah? Wow, that opened up a can of worms all across America, didn't it?! It's amazing how often incest/child molestation happens, yet no one talks about it. This really struck a nerve with me. What really got my attention was hearing her respond to some of her family members' denials about the incestuous relationship instigated by her father. She simply responded with, "Denial is typical and it's normal for them to feel that way." That really explains a lot of my family's behavior - D-E-N-I-A-L!!! Seems like I still have a lot of childhood issues that I'm dealing with.

And it's amazing how I dream of eating junk food when those emotions flood back. "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts!" Time to lace up those training shoes...

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. -Reinhold Niebuhr

It's Begun

Here's the beginning of many ranting tweets & posts for the next 24 hours (give a few):

Earlier this evening I made a courtesy call to the family to let them know approximately what time I will arrive to see them: "I'll be there between 5:00 & 6:00."

Response from TOBA ("The Old Battle Ax" I say that with Christian love) in a hateful tone of voice: "That late? Well, what what do you have to do all day?"

My wishful response: "Oh, you know, watching the soaps, eating bon bons, avoiding you guys."

Watch for my upcoming twitter updates for more good laughs.

I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Are Family

Here is some mucho deliciouso homemade Milky Way cake we made this past weekend. OMG, it is heaven, I tell ya.

Tomorrow I begin the journey to Las Vegas. The dinner tomorrow evening with my family is not weighing on my mind as much - I've given it enough energy and thought that I'm tired of thinking of it.

However, I have been thinking about all the nosey questions I anticipate coming my way, and I have a thought I need to get out of my head.

Question(s): "So, how much did you pay for your Vegas vacation?" or

"When are you going to start having kids?" or

fill-in-the-blank kind of question that is a private matter for me

Answer: "None of your business." or "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you."

Question: "Well, you're not even going to tell me/us?"

Answer: "No."

Question: "Why not?" I especially HATE this question. Why the hell do I owe anyone an explanation?

Answer: "Because it's a private matter to me."

That should be enough reason right there.

It's interesting that some things that are private to me may not be private to someone else. I believe that other people should not be the judge of my privacy, right?

Nosey family members may think, "Well, I don't think it's a private matter, so you should tell me anyway, because inquiring minds want to know. If you chose not to tell me, then you should at least offer an explanation as to why you're not sharing the information." Which is how many families function, I suspect, not just mine.

If I say it's a private matter, then I wish others would RESPECT my privacy and move on to the next topic. I don't owe you any explanation.

OK, I just needed to get that out. Now I'm ready for the family. Bring it on!

Well, I did work out with Wii on Saturday morning for 30 minutes. It was a low level workout because I'd been feeling so sick - and I'm still feeling that way, so I haven't worked out since! I think it must be allergies, because the feeling comes and goes. Who wants to train with a pounding headache and being able to breathe only through your mouth? Not me. I actually have a nose-ache, if that is such a thing.

Well, you know Vegas is approaching! I'm having a very hard time looking forward to it because my first stop on the trip is to visit family (cue ominous music here, something like the Darth Vadar theme). I am anticipating a very strained visit over dinner - it just always goes that way, no matter how joyful I try to be. It's so difficult to get along with my family.

The good news is that I had a super great time meeting with my Alanon sponsor today!!! She is so wise and seemed to know exactly the right things to share with me today. Of the many things she reminded me, here is a nugget of wisdom that I should tattoo on my forearm:

Expectations are preconceived failures.

I have so many expectations of how my family should approach me, what are appropriate subjects to talk about, the right tone of voice to use, etc. I need to let go of my expectations and just worry about my own self! My Sponsor helped me to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to the table. If a conversation turns sour because of something someone said, I need to remember that it might have been said in pain. I do not know the pain, suffering and joy of each person who will be at the dinner table, and therefore I cannot possibly know the agenda behind what's being said. Am I making any sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

I have to curb my desire to respond to (what I deem as) inappropriate questions with vinegar and honey. I just want to (act like a 4 year old) spit back statements that may be as hurtful as the question. For example:

Family member: "Why don't you come visit us anymore?"

Me: "In the entire 11 years of my married life, you never once came to visit me. I'm tired of footing the travel bill."

Other questions I hate:

"When are you having kids?"

"Why can't you spend more time with us today?"

"Why couldn't you get here earlier?"

"Why did cut off all your pretty hair?"

"Have you found a job yet?"

"How much is your vacation to Vegas costing you? Well, you don't even have a job! How are you going to pay for it?" (This will be a likely conversation)

"Since you're not working, how much money is your husband making?"

"When are you coming for our next visit?"

"How's your dad? Why haven't you talked to him?"

These questions sound crazy even to me, but seriously, they get asked at practically every family visit! Once, when I shared my wish to start a garden at our new place in the backyard, I was told, "Well, you can't do that! It takes the years to prepare the soil for a garden. And the grass runners will take over anyway. You won't be able to have a garden, you're just being silly." I'm not exaggerating!

This is typical, and I need to stop worrying about it. I have no control over it.

Now that I've gotten these things off my chest, I'm going to set it aside for now. I'm going to think about Vegas and how much fun I'm going to have with my friend!!!

I'm chairing an Alanon meeting tonight. I'm planning the topic to be "communication." My sponsor recommended remembering "detachment" as well. Yep, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm glad I met with her today!!!