It's Begun

Here's the beginning of many ranting tweets & posts for the next 24 hours (give a few):

Earlier this evening I made a courtesy call to the family to let them know approximately what time I will arrive to see them: "I'll be there between 5:00 & 6:00."

Response from TOBA ("The Old Battle Ax" I say that with Christian love) in a hateful tone of voice: "That late? Well, what what do you have to do all day?"

My wishful response: "Oh, you know, watching the soaps, eating bon bons, avoiding you guys."

Watch for my upcoming twitter updates for more good laughs.

I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Are Family

Here is some mucho deliciouso homemade Milky Way cake we made this past weekend. OMG, it is heaven, I tell ya.

Tomorrow I begin the journey to Las Vegas. The dinner tomorrow evening with my family is not weighing on my mind as much - I've given it enough energy and thought that I'm tired of thinking of it.

However, I have been thinking about all the nosey questions I anticipate coming my way, and I have a thought I need to get out of my head.

Question(s): "So, how much did you pay for your Vegas vacation?" or

"When are you going to start having kids?" or

fill-in-the-blank kind of question that is a private matter for me

Answer: "None of your business." or "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you."

Question: "Well, you're not even going to tell me/us?"

Answer: "No."

Question: "Why not?" I especially HATE this question. Why the hell do I owe anyone an explanation?

Answer: "Because it's a private matter to me."

That should be enough reason right there.

It's interesting that some things that are private to me may not be private to someone else. I believe that other people should not be the judge of my privacy, right?

Nosey family members may think, "Well, I don't think it's a private matter, so you should tell me anyway, because inquiring minds want to know. If you chose not to tell me, then you should at least offer an explanation as to why you're not sharing the information." Which is how many families function, I suspect, not just mine.

If I say it's a private matter, then I wish others would RESPECT my privacy and move on to the next topic. I don't owe you any explanation.

OK, I just needed to get that out. Now I'm ready for the family. Bring it on!

Well, I did work out with Wii on Saturday morning for 30 minutes. It was a low level workout because I'd been feeling so sick - and I'm still feeling that way, so I haven't worked out since! I think it must be allergies, because the feeling comes and goes. Who wants to train with a pounding headache and being able to breathe only through your mouth? Not me. I actually have a nose-ache, if that is such a thing.

Well, you know Vegas is approaching! I'm having a very hard time looking forward to it because my first stop on the trip is to visit family (cue ominous music here, something like the Darth Vadar theme). I am anticipating a very strained visit over dinner - it just always goes that way, no matter how joyful I try to be. It's so difficult to get along with my family.

The good news is that I had a super great time meeting with my Alanon sponsor today!!! She is so wise and seemed to know exactly the right things to share with me today. Of the many things she reminded me, here is a nugget of wisdom that I should tattoo on my forearm:

Expectations are preconceived failures.

I have so many expectations of how my family should approach me, what are appropriate subjects to talk about, the right tone of voice to use, etc. I need to let go of my expectations and just worry about my own self! My Sponsor helped me to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to the table. If a conversation turns sour because of something someone said, I need to remember that it might have been said in pain. I do not know the pain, suffering and joy of each person who will be at the dinner table, and therefore I cannot possibly know the agenda behind what's being said. Am I making any sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

I have to curb my desire to respond to (what I deem as) inappropriate questions with vinegar and honey. I just want to (act like a 4 year old) spit back statements that may be as hurtful as the question. For example:

Family member: "Why don't you come visit us anymore?"

Me: "In the entire 11 years of my married life, you never once came to visit me. I'm tired of footing the travel bill."

Other questions I hate:

"When are you having kids?"

"Why can't you spend more time with us today?"

"Why couldn't you get here earlier?"

"Why did cut off all your pretty hair?"

"Have you found a job yet?"

"How much is your vacation to Vegas costing you? Well, you don't even have a job! How are you going to pay for it?" (This will be a likely conversation)

"Since you're not working, how much money is your husband making?"

"When are you coming for our next visit?"

"How's your dad? Why haven't you talked to him?"

These questions sound crazy even to me, but seriously, they get asked at practically every family visit! Once, when I shared my wish to start a garden at our new place in the backyard, I was told, "Well, you can't do that! It takes the years to prepare the soil for a garden. And the grass runners will take over anyway. You won't be able to have a garden, you're just being silly." I'm not exaggerating!

This is typical, and I need to stop worrying about it. I have no control over it.

Now that I've gotten these things off my chest, I'm going to set it aside for now. I'm going to think about Vegas and how much fun I'm going to have with my friend!!!

I'm chairing an Alanon meeting tonight. I'm planning the topic to be "communication." My sponsor recommended remembering "detachment" as well. Yep, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm glad I met with her today!!!

Down and Out

Boo, hiss!!!

Well, I didn't get a workout today. I've been stricken down with something nasty - a virus maybe? I've done nothing but nap all day long. I haven't been sick in years, I think! I've been so healthy for so long that I forgot how bad it feels to be sick!

The back of my neck all the way up to the top of my head feels sore and tender. There is a white pasty substance in the back of my throat (according to my husband) and I feel like I've got golf ball sized tumors back in there. It hurts to swallow. I think I'm dying with swine flu. OK, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic.

I was reading my Alanon book today since I didn't feel like laundry and other manual labor chores. "Gratitude" was one of the subjects, among many others. I did actually get a good chunk of reading finished.

Today I am grateful the I can lay in front of the TV and rest in a comfortable home. Disney's Pinnochio is just coming on ABCFamily, so I'm going to exercise some gratitude before I doze off again. Better luck tomorrow.

Memories!

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers

I had to do some running in place for part of my workout this morning, which I depsise. DON'T INTELLIGENT TRAINERS AND FITNESS SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS REALIZE THAT WOMEN HAVE BREASTS? THESE THINGS BOUNCE, DONCHA KNOW??!! Men and skinny flat chested women just don't understand the gravity of this situation. AAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!! GRAVITY!! Oh, boy, I should keep my day job.

I heard from some cousins with whom I haven't spoken in years. Facebook is such a wonderful thing! Oh, some great memories are flooding back, and reconnecting with family doesn't have to be a painful thing. For me, it's unusual, but I love hearing from my long lost cousins! Can't wait to hear more from them!

Yesterday evening for dinner, we made fajitas. Take away the cheese and sour cream and the sheer volume of food intake, and it may have actually been healthy! Ha! Go figure. Anyway, I made homemade whole wheat tortillas, refried beans from scratch a few days before, sweet onions & mushrooms and my husband grilled the chicken. On the side were the beans & spanish rice (made from a packet - not from scratch). Pretty good, but the whole wheat tortillas are a bit cardboard-y.

Yea for me!! I worked out this morning! I took the doggie for a little trek around the neighborhood, even though it's still "crotch-pot-hot." Then I did a 30 minute workout on Wii EASports and it kicked my butt. There are some things I'd change about the program, but at this point, I'm pouring sweat, so I'm not going to fire off a letter to the company just yet. There's no post workout stretching, and that's a big problem for me. Fortunately, I am the smartest woman in the world, so I finished off with my own stretch routine.

In my Alanon program, I am working through the 12 steps with my sponsor. I was surprised that Alanon works the same steps that AA does. At first, I thought, "Why would I need to do this? I don't have a drinking problem." But as I study the steps, attend meetings, and consider the wisdom that people share at meetings, I now realize how important working these steps is to me. And I also think that Alanon is great for everyone, not just family and friends of alcoholics!

I'm working step 2 right now: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." I've been getting hung up on the concept of "God" in this step, but you know what? As I wrote out step 2 just now, I've only just now observed that God isn't even mentioned in the step. Hmm. How about that?

Well, for the time that I've been living with an active alcoholic, I certainly have had many moments of insanity; feeling like I was crazy and wanted to die, scratch my skin off, pull out my hair, etc. Going to Alanon meetings has certainly been "a power greater than myself." Getting my feelings out on paper, sharing with friends, blogging, I consider all of these things great powers. I really love the Star Wars concept of "The Force (or 'The Fierce,' depending on my mood)." I can learn from all of these sources how to bring serenity, balance and peace to my own mind.

Now, I don't like how step 2 is worded: "...power...can restore us...." This power can't magically do anything for me. I can learn the tools, or "study the magic spells" and learn how to make life work well for me. When I run out of gas in the car, a higher power isn't going to make a can of gas magically appear. I have the tools (drivers' license, money, a set of wheels) to help me get to the gas station to fill up. These tools are what I'm learning through my step study.

I mentioned in last evening's meeting that I wish life had an instruction manual, but unfortunately, it just doesn't. A very brilliant person stated later that "for me, the Alanon blue handbook is my instruction manual." Oh, why didn't I see that?! Hmm. Yes, it never dawned on me quite like that; I'm still new Alanon and still discovering!

Have a great Tuesday, Friends. May The Fierce be with you.

A Moment of Self-Realization

So I went to an Alanon meeting this evening thinking, "Hmmm, what more can I possibly learn?" Well, a whole lot, it turns out!

At the meeting, I was reading a passage aloud about resentments and how toxic they can be to us. I realized and shared with the group my thoughts on how I learned the fine art of hanging onto resentments from a very early age. My father's picture is in the dictionary under "resentment." He holds so much resentment to so many people, it's destroyed lots of wonderful relationships for him, and I feel sorry for him.

I realized later (when someone else was sharing) that OH MY GOSH! This is a pattern with my entire family! This is what I learned from watching my father and his sibling regarding resentment:

Forgiveness is a sign if weakness. Resentment (holding grudges and being angry with a person) is a sign of strength. The longer a person can hold onto a resentment, the stronger he becomes. "Real men don't forgive."

I was on the receiving end of that stick during my teenage years, when my father raised me by himself. When I got in trouble, boy, was I in trouble for WEEKS at a time for something as simple as not practicing the piano for 30 minutes (or something as seemingly inconsequential). I don't think my father approached me as a "female/lady/fairer sex" because as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't as much woman as my mother was, and I could certainly never hope to be.

I realize now that even my mother unconsciously taught me not to behave like a lady. I'll never forget this event:

When I was young (maybe 5 years old), I went shopping with my mother for beautiful little girls' dresses. I tried on a few really fairy tale princess-y dresses with the frilly lacy petticoats underneath, you know, the kind you wear with white patent Mary Jane shoes and white socks with big lace around the ankles. It was the first time I remember feeling beautiful. My mom wouldn't let me out of the dressing room, and I understand why, now that I'm older. She shook her head and said, "No, we can't get you these dresses until you lose some weight. You're too fat."

WHAT THE HELL????!!!! I was a child! I have held this memory all my life and never shared it with another soul. I realize now how that one moment damaged my self image for the rest of my life. That one sentence spoken by my mother spun me into a dimension of self-loathing. A mother is supposed to make sure her daughter feels beautiful, not fat.

Well, anyway, back to the whole "my family resents everybody and everything" issue, I came home and talked with my husband about all this. I shared with him that I have approached our marriage with much undeserved and preconceived resentments. I've grown resentful and stayed angry with him for days, not blinking an eye about ruining holidays or special events. Yeah, just like I always hated my father for doing. My god, what have I become?

So, Friends, I have a shortcoming I need to work on. When I get to that step in Alanon, it will be on my list. It's been a big night for me and I'm mentally exhausted. Good night.

Almost Vegas

Well, Saturday was a lazy day, but yesterday I have to tell you about! I did a 45 minute workout on Wii EASports and it totally kicked my butt! Dudes, I was drenched in sweaty sweat! Wow!

Today, I went for a long walk in the hot heat with the doggie and thinking about what I've got to do the rest of the day! Vegas is coming and it hit me this morning - it's next week! Holy cow!

Well, I think I was a bit too hasty when I thought I could fit into the Vegas dress by next week - it's just not happening. But I'm going to keep working on it. I have another super cute dress I found at Ross for $10 I'll be taking to Vegas instead.

Just a quick message to remind myself that I'm still alive and I need to be healthy. Happy Monday everyone!!