Day 29

I went for a 30 minute walk this morning.  That may be all I can muster up for today.  

I'm thinking lately that this the time for me and all my girlfriends to manage through incredible changes.  I don't know why, but change seems to be happening for everyone all of the sudden.  Times can be tough, times can be triumphant and change is in the air for lots of loved ones around me.  Strength comes in numbers.  Strength comes through friendship.  I am amazed at how strong my friends can be.  It makes me feel strong just knowing that.  I have no idea where my life is headed right now, and I have a mountain of my own problems.  But strength is contagious, and that makes me feel better at least.

Day 26

I made it for a walk today, but that's it.  Wow, after doing shoulders at the gym yesterday with those mongo 12 pound dumbbells (yee-haw!), I can't raise my arms over my head!  Wow, I am super sore!  My traps feel ginormously swollen.  

I love the feeling of being sore after a workout.  It makes me feel like Xena again.  But twelvies?  More like wimpy.  Baby steps!

Day 25

Today's word: HOME.

Today's message is mostly for entertainment value. :)

I'm back in the now. I've walked a few times since last week, but nothing that counts toward real points. Today I made it back to the gym. Yes!!!!! I did some shoulders (overhead DB press, EZ bar upright row and DB side raises) and a set of triceps (overhead cable rope press-down) and a little cardio (15 minutes on a treadmill incline). Those triceps were killer, man. I laughed at myself when I did 3 sets of shoulder presses with the 12 pound DB's. I am ashamed! But it was funny anyway. Three years ago I would have kicked my butt for letting myself go like this. I remember getting some 45's over my head in Tennessee. XENA!! Xena's back to the 12's for now, baby. Yeah, that's vein popping power. NOT! Sure felt like it, though.

Are you afraid to go to the gym because all the big buff dudes and skinny chicks are going to look at you and judge you? Oh, I was afraid, too, back in the day. But I remembered something that made me laugh out loud. NO ONE'S LOOKING AT YOU. THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU. THEY'RE TOO BUSY LOOKING AT THEIR OWN BEAUTIFUL IMAGES IN THE MIRRORS!!!! Trust me here.

Oh, how I miss my gym partner!!! Today, I almost felt like I was back at home at the gym (but not quite). Today was the day I saw my old friends. Gyms are like home to people. They all know each other by name. They know about each other like they're family. And there are always the same stereotypes in every gym across America. Let me explain.

I'm in a new city in a new gym, but the same gym rats were there. I saw a couple of fairly skinny guys mosey-ing around the gym swinging their hand towels (I observed from upstairs on the cardio deck). I swear, they must have walked 4 or 5 laps around the whole gym before they finally disappeared into the locker room. They weren't exercising, mind you. They were STROLLING. Just checking it out - "gellin' like Magellan." Awesome.

And of course, there was the obscenely buff dude with boulder sized muscles exploding out of his sweatpants and t-shirt making his funeral march from one exercise to the next (waiting 10 minutes between sets, of course). Yeah, he's almost as magnificent as he thinks he is (God's gift to women). Narcissus never took his eyes off his own reflection. You go, sweetie puff.

There was a gay guy in his capri pants and soft shoes sashaying his way around the cable apparatus. He's always more beautiful than the women there. He carries himself well. He's one of the only ones there who actually looks like he knows what he's doing. He's focused and he's there to work. You go girl!

And of course, there's the guy who (thinks he's 3 times the bulk he really is) is hovering around fill-in-the-blank-machine or bench texting his buddy (sometimes they carry on in-depth phone conversations but not today) during the 5 minutes rests between sets. Text away, you moron. Never mind the clearly posted "No Cell Phones" signs posted everywhere. You give those thumbs a workout!

Upstairs, there was the older guy (60-something) on the precor machine going 90 to nothing. He's the one with the grey sweat-soaked cotton muscle tee and a sweatband on ('cause he's sweating bullets) He was up there from the time I arrived till I left an hour later. He's the guy who believes he needs 2 hours of hard core cardio 8 days a week in order to maintain his fabulous golden age figure. I ran past him so as to avoid his "fitness sermon." Those older guys like to chat with the gals.

Then there was the 40 pounds overweight guy on a treadmill running, sucking wind, about to die. This was probably his first trip to the gym in 6 months and he's just trying to make up for lost time. Oh, honey, slow down before you have a heart attack. But I'm glad you're here with me anyway.

And there was the overweight exuberant trainer who likes to hound people: "Can I take you for a workout today? When can we do it if not today?" Bless him for his enthusiasm, but honey, don't touch me. I'm lucky to be here, and I sure don't want your help today. I suppose I could open my mind and be flexible (HA!). I could let him lead me around today but...dude, your beer gut is the size of a tractor tire. If I'm going to open my heart to a trainer, I want them to look like a trainer, not a fried food dumpster. Would you go to a hairdresser/makeup artist who looks like Amy Winehouse? No, but there's always a trainer at every gym who looks like a bouncer. Bless them.

And my old training partner from Tennessee, I thought of you. I almost made it to the locker room and out the door unscathed today. But no, it was not meant to be. I go to the locker room to gather my keys and head out...I'm rounding the corner into the steamy area and what's there in my face??? A happy grama in nothing but a towel on her head and cork wedge high heeled sandals!!!!!! Just parading around chatting with another one just like her!!!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! NEKKID. Now I understand that you have to be naked in the locker room for a few split seconds every now and again (where's the dressing curtain?), but in a public ladies locker room? This isn't your house. Do you really have to parade around buck nekkid while you apply makeup, dry your hair, chat with another nekkid grama about your neighbor's business? Have some courtesy for those of us around you. Oh, I made it all the way out to the car before I exploded! All I could think about was this: "Dang, I miss my gym buddy! I miss home. Without her, I don't feel like it's home." Keeping a straight face at the gym isn't near as fun when you're flying solo.

Please understand, I'm not judging Nekkid Grama. I'm just very aware of the humor in the situation, as going to the gym can be a very humiliating process for one's self. So look for the humor in yourself while you make changes and take baby steps. If you can laugh in a place, it feels more comfortable to be there. It will become "home." If you can't laugh at yourself, I guarantee, someone else can.

Day 18

Well, here's another late blog.  I did go for a nice 30 minute walk today, but company's coming, so I've thrown everything by the wayside to prepare.  I remember a time when everyone else had to wait for ME to get in my workout before I could think about anything else.  I mean, what's happened here?  My health is not as important now????

Day 17

Well, well, will wonders never cease!!  This one is late (I haven't kept up the blog lately), but I did get to the gym on this day.  It was OK, I did some leg exercises (extensions, seated leg press and lying hamstring curls).  I can't believe I remembered how to get to the gym.  

Day 16

Today is cardio only day, so I went for my 30 minute walk this morning after we went to cast our votes in the presidential election.  Yes, history is in the making, friends.  It's day 16 and that has practically taken an act of Congress to get me motivated!  I consider that history in the making.

My walk this morning was brisk (still in shorts and warm weather).  I noticed that today for the first time, I felt like one of those nerdy speed walkers, but my heart rate barely got up to the 120 zone.  So this tells me that my body is getting used to this daily routine.  It's becoming efficient.  In order for me to continue burning off fat, I'm going to have to raise the bar from here.  Next time, I've got to work harder and/or do something different.  That's exciting.  But at the same time, I'm also thinking, "yuck.  Time to work harder?  I just want to sit back and watch TV."  But here's the thing:  I certainly don't want to look like I've been sitting back TV.  I have to want it badly enough to GO GET IT.  It's not on the couch.  It's not in a magic pill.  It's not in those infomercial "fold up and slide under your bed" exercise machines.  And it's sure not in the bottom of a scoop of Ben & Jerry's free "I Voted" ice cream from 5 - 8pm today!!!!

Day 15

This post is a day late, but I DID get a workout in for Day 15. I did not train on Saturday or Sunday after Halloween. Why not? I have been on an emotional roller coaster (I probably need some pills) and just could not face it. But 2 days of rest? Better than 200 days of rest, right? :)

So here's how Day 15 went down. I took a 30 minute walk outside in shorts since it was a hot day in Texas. I didn't push myself because it was weight day. I did the same weight routine I've been doing all along. I'm getting bored with it. And it I do one more wall ball squat, I'm going to puke. It's time to start thinking about changing things up. I'll think about that between now and Wednesday, which is my next targeted weight training session.

Day 12

I did my Halloween walk this morning with the doggie.  I wasn't excited, but I wasn't trying to talk myself out of it either.  I just knew that it had to be done.  

I am really sore today from yesterday's weights!  My limbs are not so much, but by back and core muscles are really aching.  Yes, siree, my back is super duper sore.  That's OK, that means I had a productive workout yesterday and things are coming along.

I've done tons of housework today, so I think I've had it.  I think I may feel like a "rest" day tomorrow.  We'll see how I feel in the morning.  Slow and steady, little turtle.

Day 11

This morning I went for about a 20 minute walk around the neighborhood with the doggie.  No sweat.  As the thought of doing some resistance training approached, so did the red zone.  "Do I get crazy and go to the gym today or do I do the same song and dance at home?"  I stayed home and I did it.

On Tuesday, I mentioned that I added an extra set to every excersice.  So I've always challenged myself that once I do something, I either maintain it or do better.  So I did three sets of everything today and I was hating on the number 3.  It's evening now and I'm sore already!  

Here's what I did (almost the same thing):

Quad:  Wall ball squats, 3 sets 15 reps

Back:  *single DB row with the 12 lb handweights,  3 sets of 10 on each side

Chest: *DB press on the fit ball with 12 lb hndwts, 3 sets of 10

Ham/Glut:  Static lunges, 3 sets of 10 on each side OUCH THE PAIN THE PAIN I HATE LUNGES!!!!!  But they look so good in the end.

Delts:  DB side raises, 3 sets of 15

Bicep:  DB curl, 3 sets of 15

Tricep:  OHX, 3 sets of 10

Superset gluts (kneeling kickbacks, 2 sets of 10) and abs (FB crunches, 2 sets of 15)

Doesn't look like much on paper in my fitness journal, but it sure tastes like burning.  There was really nothing really remarkable about today's session, but it was difficult to get through physically.  For the remainder of the day, I've felt exhausted.  My body isn't in the habit yet; it's still trying to remember what's going on.  I have thoughts of going back to gym more often now that I'm back in the saddle.  But I'm just not ready yet.  Baby steps!!!!

Day 10.2

I intended to walk again this evening, but just didn't make it.  I'm sort of OK with that decision since I did get in a trek earlier today.  I'm mentally exhausted today, and that really takes a lot out of you!  But I know that I could have done more, so I am mildly disappointed with myself.

I've done one thing every day for 10 days.  Actually, I've done more than 1 thing on most days.  Taking a half hour walk six days a week is a huge step.  It's a huge commitment.  And I'm fully aware that taking on some weight training as well is unthinkable to many.  It was for me when I first began in 2001.  I understand that may be too much for someone to take on.

Words of encouragement:  When I say, "I have to do one thing every day and make it a habit in order to change," that one thing could be any number of activities.  Here are some thoughts for those REALLY REALLY tough days (a.k.a. red zone):

• replace a soda with a bottle of water
  
• take the stairs instead of the elevator
• park farther away from the office/store
• take a break every half hour or hour to stretch your legs, walk around the building or hit the stairs
• move your routine desserts or sweets up to 4pm or earlier
• consider eliminating routine desserts or sweets every other usual time
• if you don't usually eat a filling breakfast, then fuel up!  
• replace sugar with a sugar/splenda mixture (I like this - I get a little sugar and don't feel cheated)
• take 5 or more minutes in a quiet place by yourself, relax, breathe, meditate, pray
• when you're at a restaurant, ask for a "to go" box when the food comes to the table.  Store away any extra food on your plate BEFORE you take the first bite.  I guarantee you'll avoid the temptation to stuff yourself silly
• invite a friend to match your goals, check in with each other regularly and encourage each other
• eat a cup of yogurt and a piece of fruit for a midmorning snack instead of hitting the vending machine

If you're not ready for the commitment of physical activity every day, then take a different baby step.  It won't be smaller or easier, it's just a different step, but a step nonetheless.  As long as you can commit to something every day, you're on the right track.  

You'll know when you're ready (if you're paying attention).  Trust yourself, trust your gut, trust your intuition.  No one knows you better than you know yourself! 

Day 10

Woo-hoo! Double digits! I made it to day 10.

I went for a 30 minute walk this morning. When I start gearing up to walk with the doggie (she senses what's about to happen), she follows me from room to room as I dig socks out of the basket, clothes out of the closet, a visor and shoes from the hall closet. She keeps an eye on me as if to say, "OK, just making sure you're not going to forget about me 'cause I gotta go. You can't weenie out 'cause I'm depending on you to go with me around the neighborhood!"

So today, I walked for her. I didn't walk for me because I wasn't motivated. I didn't dislike getting through it, but I didn't feel great about it either. Ho-hum.

Deep thoughts: At the counseling party on Monday, I was asked why on earth I didn't play the piano still (I mean, I did major in "music ed/piano!"). "Music can provide us with a release. Why don't you still play?" Good question. And there is a connection to exercise here, bear with me.

I was no different than any female child, I had dreams. One of those was to be able to play the piano. Once I started taking lessons in 2nd grade, I wasn't allowed to stop until years later. It just so happened that I picked up music quickly and excelled more rapidly than my peers who also took piano lessons. What I didn't know is that my talent was only fuel on the fire of my parents' wrath.

I was no different than any female child, my dreams morphed and changed as I got older. I grew tired and bored of the whole piano thing early on, like many children do. It became a power struggle in our house - practicing. I was expected to practice 30 minutes every day. If I did not, there would be hell to pay. You see, my parents were both exposed to music in their childhoods as well, so the logical thinking is that "We were too lazy to follow our dreams with music, and so between the two of us, our child will be a famous concert pianist: a female Mozart."

"If there is anything we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves." -Carl Jung

Playing and practicing the piano, I learned through my parents actions, became punishment. I remember many lectures from mom and/or dad relating to this endeavor that went on for hours on end while I stood before one or both of them very still and listened to them berate me, scream at me and tell me why I could never hope to be a cheerleader when I grew up (I needed something reasonable and I was too chubby anyway, they said). I remember getting my ears "boxed," slapped upside the head and spanked over all this. My mom would whip my backside as hard as she could with a metal kitchen spatula, but that's another story.

I understand the concept for "never giving up." But it was killing my spirit. Damn my parents for being too stupid and self-absorbed to be able to see this. The practice, recitals and punishments were making for a very unhappy childhood. My dad actually hurled a big wrench 6 inches away from my foot once out in the driveway because I didn't practice that day. That scared the hell out of me. That taught me several things: be afraid my father's explosive anger, fear physical harm from him and never let my guard down, don't let him see me cry (that seemed to excite him - sicko) and do whatever it took to avoid him "lashing out." So I continued practicing. And I was miserable.

By the time I reached college, I didn't know what else I was cable of doing, so I continued on in the music program, became a music teacher, blah blah blah. Everyone expected me to be the "resident musician." People expected me to do great things with my musical talent.

The I woke up and realized something very important that changed my life. This is not my dream; this is someone else's dream for me! I now need to stop living someone else's dream and start living my own dream. Hmm, don't have a clue what it is, but I need to start looking inward to find it. It's got to be in there somewhere. Sure enough, it was. And I was much happier because I made this change.

I went to a school reunion a few years back. My teachers and adults who were once neighbors/parents of schoolmates asked me if I was still teaching music/playing/singing. No, but I did find my dream and I'm living it, thanks. And everyone made sure to sadly shake their heads in disappointment and declare what a dang shame that was, boy I really have talent that's just going to waste.

Listen, you idiots. Why can't you say instead, "Oh, well, I'm so glad that you did find something that floats your boat, good for you. You go girl!" Well...

"Sometimes the world can be cruel to shiny things." -Lucky, a true hick (voice of Tom Petty) from "King of the Hill"

I haven't touched anything musical in years. I'm not sorry and I don't miss it. Music makes me feel sick. So mom and dad, you plan didn't work. What you taught me is that I hate music. It brings me pain and painful memories. You hurt me, you destroyed my spirit, you took years of happiness and other promising career possibilities away from me.

Back to the blog: Was PE torture for you? We all had it for, what, 30 minutes every day in school or something like that. Were you in competitive sports? Were you forced to run laps as punishment if your team lost the game? Were you forced to run/do pushups/sit-ups until you thought you'd die as punishment for coming in last? I'm begging you, if you ever feel the need to "punish" a child/person with physical activity - STOP!!!! Don't do it. Don't teach them to hate something that it essential to their vitality for the rest of their lives. Don't break their spirit. This applies to many other things, not just physical activity or learning how to play the piano. I learned this lesson, maybe you can learn from it too. Or maybe you learned a similar lesson and can sort it out knowing that you're not alone.

Day 9.3

I've been pondering on yesterday's counseling party (aaaaahhhh, therapy).  We were discussing my "re-forming the habit of taking care of my physical self."  I explained that I am focusing on re-establishing the habit of doing one thing every day and the step for right now is simply walking every day and a little bit of resistance training thrown in.  The question for me, then, was, "Well, why aren't you focusing on your food as well?"  

My initial thought was this:  "Are you kidding me?  I'm going through a really tough time right now.  You seriously don't expect me to focus on ALL that is healthy, do you?  You're the expert - you've got to be joking me."  Then I realized that she doesn't know me.  She's probably never been through the process of going from fat to fit like I have.  She's asking a perfectly honest question - it's not a personal attack.

I explained that for me, I would be setting myself up for failure if I took on more than I can handle.  Right now, I can handle a walk.  If I changed my training routing AND my eating habits, I'd crash and burn.  I need to reach the point of "moving" every day as a habit.  It will soon become something that I do without consciously trying to talk myself out of it.  When I'm ready, then I'll move on to the next baby step.  THIS I KNOW FOR SURE.  Trust me, I've seen me do it.  

We wouldn't teach kids how to multiply and divide before they are comfortable with adding and subtracting would we?  That's just crazy!  Same concept.

This is how we break a habit (take a baby step):

• Admit that I've got a habit (for me, it's avoiding exercising).
• Not want to live with the habit.  In other words, I've got to think it's not a good idea for me to have this habit.
• Know I can live without this habit.  In other words, I've got to see that I have it in myself to be free of this habit somewhere down the road.
• Find the resolve to break the habit.  In other words, ask myself how much I really want to break it - and be honest with myself.
• Watch myself doing the habit.

This is how we change:

• Right now I'm doing it without really being aware of it.
  
• Soon I may be doing it (trying to talk myself out of my walk), and then recognizing that I'm doing it.
• I may start to do it and catch myself.
• Then I maybe just about to start, and catch myself before it really starts.
• Then I may be just starting to think about it and catch myself.
• Finally I find myself not thinking about it anymore.

I learned these things from a teacher workshop I attended when I was teaching at an elementary school.  The woman leading the workshop was genius in my eyes!  I thought this was a brilliant notion!  I was alone in my admiration of her - most of the teachers in our school hated seeing her come teach our workshops and thought she was a crackhead.  I think they might have been in a little denial about themselves?  Or maybe not ready to admit that they were unhappy and weren't ready to make a change (this was the group of Krispy Kream donut ladies I mentioned on day 2.2).

I have many habits I need to change in order to be who I intend on being.  I've picked one and I'm sticking with it until I'm ready to move on to the next one.  It might be next week, it might be next year.  But I'm sticking with what I know I can handle.  And that makes me a success, if only for 9 days.   I am 9 days closer to making Day 10 a success!

Day 9.2

Here's today's weight training report:

Same routine as before.  I'm still doing these things with the weights at home.  Hooray - today I added an extra set to everything today!  I've been doing 2 sets of most exercises, so I bumped it up to 3 sets today.  I added some weight to the tricep extensions as well.  I couldn't bear the thought of that "puke" feeling again, so why not make it a "work harder" feeling?  Jackpot.  It worked.

Today, the routine was *slightly* easier.  Next time, I might add some weight or something different.  I'm listening to what my muscles are telling me.  "We need a little more now, time to kick it up a notch."

It felt good today.  I didn't feel weak.  I felt the strength flowing through me today for the first time.  Hello Xena!  How nice to feel like you again.  

There is something called "muscle memory."  It's very real:  I studied it with great interest when I was preparing for my personal trainer's proficiency exam.  When muscles start to feel something they've felt before (strength & familiar movements), it's easier for them to get back to their previous abilities.  It's different this time around for me because I've been through this process once before.  And I'm glad to be returning!

"You can never step into the same river twice; for new waters are always flowing onto you."  -Heraclitus

Day 9

Yesterday I did go for that 27 minute walk.  

And I just got back from a 32 minute walk today.  I will catch up on my weight training routine today because I didn't do it yesterday.  

"Habit it the best of servants, or the worst of masters."  -Nathaniel Emmons

Day 8

I took yesterday off. I did go for about a 17 minute walk in the evening, though. I needed to blow off some steam.

Today, my routine is off (argh!). I had an appointment this morning with a counselor. Here it is noon, and I'm not motivated to go for a walk. I'm wound up and need to expel some energy, but not sure what I'm in the mood to do about it. Walking will be helpful and maybe even some resistance training. I'm in the red zone, about to talk myself out of it.

"The writer wants to be understood much more than he wants to be respected or praised or even loved. And that, perhaps, is what makes him different from others." -Leo C. Rosten

I hope I can provide a window for you to see into my mind and understand that this process I am going through is fraught with "baggage." No person should ever be alone (unless that is what they chose). Good friends are hard to find. And I'm glad you're here with me - thank you. I trust that you can experience this journey with me and maybe relate to some of the obstacles I encounter. I know you will not judge me and I trust that you will love me for who I am.

We all have problems. One of my friends is separated from her husband. Another has recently lost a dear family member. One friend is trying to overcome her abusive childhood and learn to live peacefully. All people make choices based on events happening (or happened) in their lives, and sometime just getting out of bed is a struggle. Our health, mental pain and negative people in our lives can limit what we believe we are capable of. As said by Amanda, "Keep on truckin!'"

"If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won't, you most assuredly won't. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad." -Denis Waitley

Steph, you can do it. I believe in you.

I should go for that walk now...

Day 6

I walked for 47 minutes this morning.  I didn't really think about much of anything, I was just walking.  I pushed my cardio level to a reasonable level, and if I were talking, I would have been right in the middle of the talk zone.

My attitude tends to have "zones."  For about 45 minutes before I left, my attitude toward the upcoming walk was in the red zone - the anticipation of walking was bad enough that I almost talked myself out of it.  Once I got out walking, my attitude slid right into the green zone.  Once I'm in the act of exercising, I'm fine.  It's the red zone leading up to it that gets me in trouble.  I've got to weaken this "red zone."  Yep, I'll work on that.

Deep thoughts:  Thinking back to "Scooter Lady," some thoughts have come to mind.  I struggle to make sense of these things.  When I was little (maybe 5?), I was sexually abused by a male cousin.  Mom and dad and I had gone to a neighboring town to visit an aunt, uncle and cousins.  It was a sunny afternoon, dad was m.i.a. (probably out shooting guns or something rednecky like that) and mom and my aunt had gotten into the car to go somewhere for a spell.  That left me with one of the male cousins in charge to "watch over me."  Yeah, right.

I remember waiting for mom and aunt to get back to the house - I was at the sliding window door eagerly anticipating their arrival.  When they finally pulled up in the driveway, I ran out to mom (she was driving) to tell her and auntie what had happened.  I remember her second guessing me ("Are you sure?") and exchanging a little conversation regarding my ability to be really sure about this.  Then she said, "OK, then, don't worry about it."  I felt a weight had been lifted; I knew I didn't have to worry about it.  Mom would take care of it.

This has never been a weight on my mind (I trusted my mom!) until I was an adult.  Why didn't my mom run in that house, grab that loser by the ear into the living room with all of us and HANDLE IT?!  My mom should have been my protector!  Moms are supposed to fight to the death for their children!  Mine didn't.  We all went into the house, the women lit up some smokes, and started gabbing about something or other.  Never mind that aunt heard this entire conversation I had just had with mom and she never said 2 words about it either.  What the hell was that all about, people?  

At the time, there were only a handful of high school diplomas among our aunts, uncles and parents on that side of the family.  Not the smartest bunch on the planet.  I fondly think of our family as "redneck hillbillies."  But why didn't these 2 adult women sense the potential damage in this situation and have the brains to correct this problem so it would never happen again?

I never really thought too much about this.  In fact, I had forgotten it until it came up in a counseling/therapy session years later.  The therapist stated that unfortunately, this is very common in normal everyday households.  Common?  Wow, I had no idea I was part of this vague statistic.  

The thought and anger passed until I turned 33.  Then I got a phone call with confirmation that I was not the only cousin in the family who was a victim of this situation.  There were others.

This brings out a lot of pain.  So neither mom nor aunt did anything to stop it from happening again.  They knew, oh, yes, they knew because I told them!  I should not have trusted mom, but I was only 5, I couldn't make a decision like that.  I couldn't know how to handle it.  I'm sorry that the discussion never again came up.  I wish it would have, and we maybe we could have saved each other from the abuse and pain.  I'm sorry the I wasn't the only victim here.  I'm sorry I never said anything to you about what happened to me.  I'm sorry it happened to you, too!  And why is it easier for us to write it in a journal, post on a blog or share with a therapist?  Why don't we tear down the highway to our attacker's home with our nostrils flaring and confront him/them?  I'm an adult now!  I'm the one supposedly being the adult here.  The abuse is probably still going on to others, for all I know.

This event from my childhood isn't why I struggle with my self identity.  But it is certainly a piece to the puzzle.  And not just a boring old piece of blue sky.  It's an important piece of the puzzle, like someone's eye or bright green shirt.

"It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do."  -Moliere

Day 5.2

Here's what I've done with the resistance training part of today (same as Days 1 & 3):

Quads: Wall ball squats, 2 sets of 15 reps

Back: DB Dead Rows, 2 sets of 12

Chest: DB fly on FB (fit ball), 2 sets of 15

Ham/Gluts: Static Lunges, 2 sets of 10 x 10(each let got 2 sets of 10)

Delts: DB Side Raises, 2 sets of 10

Biceps: DB curls, 2 sets of 15

Triceps: OH (overhead) extension, 2 sets of 12

ABS: FB crunch, 1 set of 15

During the last set of tricep extensions, I wanted to puke because I don't feel strong and I'm just sort of going through the motions at this point. It's frustrating, because I don't feel strong when it comes to my weight routine. I know it's going to take a lot of sessions and a lot of time, but I WANT STRENGTH NOW. Snail pace, right Amanda? Your words of encouragement remind me that I'm not alone. I laughed when you wrote, "not like a slug." :) LOL!!!!!!! Right on, sister. Thanks for the comments, they keep me going like you can't imagine!!!!!

Why am I doing the same routine, you might ask? I'm simply working the task into my daily routine. My focus is not to gain strength and challenge myself this week or next. The focus is to simply get in the daily habit. Not training is NO LONGER A CHOICE.

When I get back to the gym, I'll do the same routine, but I guarantee it will be more difficult because I will be a new environment and there will be others around me. Baby steps...

Please keep those comments coming, it makes a world of difference to me. Don't be afraid of what anyone thinks (only 6 people are reading this) and don't be shy about giving me some tough love. MB-ster, you're always good at smack talk, so bring it on! If it weren't for you, I would NEVER have run that half marathon.

Day 5

During the 25 minute walk this morning,  I did not notice something that I have been noticing for the last 4 days.  There has been a twinge of pain under my kneecaps as I walk with nearly every step.  After 2 days, it concentrated in my right knee only.  Yesterday, I felt it for the first 50 or so steps.  Today I did not feel it at all.  It's my knees' way of saying, "Thank you for taking us for a walk."  Yes, my knees are talking to me.  Crazy?

"Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on."  -Samuel Butler

Stay with me here.  In the very beginning Helen Keller and her teacher, Anne Sullivan, did not speak the same language.  Ms Sullivan tried and tried, but she never gave up.  Helen fought with her.  She probably felt hatred, fear and contempt for this new "energy" in her dark silent world that just wouldn't leave her alone.  She cried and lashed out physically.  This went on for quite some time.  Finally the day came that the light bulb came on over Helen's head and she understood what Ms Sullivan was trying to do.  "Water!"  I imagine Ms Sullivan throwing her arms up in the air looking to the sky yelling, "Finally!  After all this trouble, she gets it!  I didn't think this day would ever come!"

It took time for Helen to learn to understand signs for new words.  The concept of a sentence must have been daunting!  But that's not all she learned:  she was able to build on her knowledge.  She memorized how words "felt" in her hand and created words with her own hands.  Then on to learning how to read Braille.  Then learning how to write Braille.  What a process!

Learning how to understand what your body feels and how to translate that into what it's telling you takes time, practice and persistence.  It's the same process that Helen went through.  Slow and steady, little turtle.  My knees hurt, so I should not run, kickbox, squat with an Olympic sized barbell, or push myself too-too far.  I should take baby steps:  be persistent, push myself within a reasonable zone of effort in order to get more strong.  When I loose one pound, it will take some pressure off.  There's only one way for me to lose one pound right now = sidewalk.

When I was at my fattest and started going to a weight lifting class at a local gym, the loopy instructors kept telling me to "listen to your body.  It will tell you what to do."  Whoa, slow down, Christie (aren't the skinny people all named Christie and Bambi?).  You are crazy and you have no idea what you're talking about.  Nobody knows my body better than me, so you and your skinny butt can stick it.  The endorphins and tofu have obviously gone to your head.

After shedding 50 pounds, I started to "hear" to what my body was feeling, or "saying," if you will.  I was learning to understand the language my body was speaking.  And as more time passed, I became more fluent.  

So Christie was right after all.  And so was I.  Here's the thing:  Christie has never seen a fat day in her life.  She was telling me what was happening to her fit healthy body.  She had no idea what to tell us fat girls lined up in the back of the studio.  She didn't understand that when you're carrying around a bunch of extra mass, there's no way on earth you can "lie down face up, hoist those tree trunks for legs, and C-R-U-N-C-H!!!"  Not a chance.  When my body started to shrink more like hers, my body did start talking to me, the light bulb came on and I listened.  I've seen both sides of the coin.  And the thin side is a lot better.

The lesson is that it's been a long time since I listened to my body.  Today it said something to me.  I've been persistent for only 5 days, but thank goodness my body remembers how to communicate with me!  I'm having a flashback to Olivia Newton-John, uh-oh!  Think I'm crazy?  The endorphins and tofu have probably gone to my head.  :)

Day 4.3

I've been thinking about "Scooter Lady." I've been trying to put myself in her shoes as I've gone about the housework today. I've been trying to connect with her and figure out how one gets to that point. Some of these things we can all relate to. Perhaps...

• she grew up in a home with fat parents who did not teach her proper health
  
• she was sexually abused as a child and purposely grew large so the abuser(s) would no longer find her attractive
  
• she was told early on that she was plump/thick/chubby, and she just grew to believe it and lived up to the expectations
• she has a food addiction
• she was once athletic, became injured through sports and never gained the mental strength to recover physically
• same as above, but the injury came as a result of a traumatic (car?) accident
• perhaps a mentally traumatic event (death of of loved one?) caused her to make unhealthy choices
• maybe she felt like she had no friends who truly cared about her and gave up
• maybe her husband was a jerk, causing her pain and devastation and she simply lost her will to truly live

The point is that many things can lead us to this point. Maybe she is suffering and struggling just like me. How fat we are doesn't matter - the amount of pain, shame and embarrassment we feel is all the same. 300 pounds overweight can hurt mentally just as much as 25 extra pounds. What we tell ourselves can be just as damaging, if the thoughts are negative.

Maybe she's just like me. Maybe she felt betrayed at work. Maybe she felt let down by her family/spouse. Maybe she didn't know who to turn to. And she just never said, "ENOUGH!"

I'm sorry, Scooter Lady. I made an unfair snap judgement. I hope that someday she will walk for herself. I will hope for her when I walk the doggie tonight.

Day 4.2

I'm starving and I have tons to do, but this thought simply cannot wait.  I need to put on my bitchin' shoes for a sec.

I just got back from grocery shopping at Walmart.  If I offend anyone for what I am about to say, please forgive me.  I saw some big ladies on the "little rascals" doing their shopping today.  You know who she is.  She's in every town on the map.  We used to see her on a rare occasion, but nowadays, we usually see her every trip to the grocery store, and she's got clones.  It makes me mad.  At least I have the grace to blush when my fat gut spills over my pants.  This woman parades around the middle of the isle like she's proud of the fact that Walmart supports her bariatric situation.  Like anyone expects her to get up and walk???  Of course not, her knees hurt and she would get winded walking all the way to the back to the frozen section.  Get me a rascal, Howard.  She has not made the connection that the rascal is enabling her even further.

Bless her heart.  I've never been in her shoes, so I don't know where she's coming from.  But, come on!  Your behind is spilling over both sides of the bariatric sized seat.  Your basket is loaded with cookie dough, chips, diet soda and a box of "Slimquick" pills.  Give me a break.  Lord, please forgive me for being angry.  I wish that I did not feel so judgmental, but I admit, I feel sad and mad for the "Rascal Lady."

I always wondered why these ladies don't have real meals in their baskets.  It dawned on me on the way home - they don't prepare meals, they let McD's and Sonic fry up their b'fast, lunch and dinner.  Snack foods are what they need from the store.  Don't get me wrong, I love Sonic!  But not all the time! 

We all know someone who hits McD's for b'fast to get a mcmuffin and a diet soda.  Maybe we are that person.  But if make the connection, we can prevent ourselves from being the "Rascal Lady."  She's always in pain, she can't walk but rather waddles, her feet and ankles look terribly swollen and red and she's always sick with something or other.  Ma'am, please, don't do this to yourself!  Walk your way through the store and you'll get in your exercise for the day, maybe even the week!  Throw away the diet pills and junk food!  The pills won't work.  It's myself that has to do the work.

Friends, please, if you see that I'm becoming the "Rascal Lady," help me.  Be a good friend and tell me the truth.  I'm not perfect and I'll never be perfect, but that's not who I want to be.  I'll just bet she aches to be Xena, too, she just never learned how and never asked for help. 

Well, this just opened up the floodgates to future blogs...

Day 4

"The question isn't, 'Are you in motion?'  The question is, 'Why?'"

I think I actually caught a slight glimpse of Xena in the mirror this morning.  Or was I dreaming?

Today is a cardio-only day.  I just got back from a 30 minute walk with the doggie.  I'm feeling pretty good.

At the mere mention of a "walkie," the dog starts doing circles, hopping around, barking and gurgling.  She's always excited to get out there and GO!  Why can't I be like that?

I did not dread the exercise today, I actually looked forward to it.  The thought of melting another millimeter off my thunder thighs was exhillerating.  I can start to see through the pain.  I feel mentally stronger today (certainly not physically).  That is enough motivation to get me through the rest of today.

I could easily lift some weights today, but I'll save it for tomorrow.  Today, I pln on some manual labor housework.  And tomorrow, I anticipate a mentally challenging day, so I'll save the really tiring activities for then.

Hallelujah, it's day 4 and I'm still here.  Are you?  I'm hanging on, but it's not been easy.  Yea for me!  Every night I went to bed knowing that I did something to get myself back to where I want to be.  I am in motion because I am tired of missing Xena.  Dang it, I will be Xena! 

Day 3.3

I went for a 20 minute walk with the doggie this evening. If it weren't for her, I wouldn't have gone. The good news is that a nice chilly front has come through and I can do a happy dance in my track pants. They cover my white lumpy legs so nicely, thank you, Pants.

Well, well. I just read that Beyonce "had to gain 15 pounds" for her next movie in which she plays Etta James (you know that sappy wedding song "At Last"). Well stop the presses.

Now that I think about it, I also had to gain an obscene amount of weight for my role in "Desperate Housewives of Texas." Yeah, that's it.

Day 3.2

I've rearranged my closet so that the training equipment (weights, balls, bands, ipod/earphones, etc.) are FRONT AND CENTER.  I don't plan on doing anything else with these toys again today, but it's been a long time since they've been my friends and I needed to spend time looking at them. 

I dug them out of the dungeon on Day 1 to begin and they've been scattered all over the house since, so I figured I better treat them right and tidy up.  "Hello old friends.  I've missed you.  Right now I am hating on you, but we are together again anyway."

On food:  I'm not focusing on food right now, so whatever.  I'm focusing on re-creating the habit of training.  But let me share my thoughts about food just a little (besides the fact that I love sweets).

We all have vices and weaknesses.  Mine is ice cream.  I love it so much and I'm cranky without it.  I had some today and I feel guilty, but like I said, cleaning up my eating habits for 6 days a week is not my focus now.  So bring on the cold stuff.  But why do I still feel guilty?

Is it society or ourselves that makes us feel guilt about something like ice cream?  I'm fat, so of course I feel guilty about eating it.  When I was thin, I felt absolutely no guilt after an ice cream, because I EARNED and saved up for it.  I worked my ass off for weeks at a time before I would treat myself to that reward.  I feel guilty now, because I don't have a plan for such a nice treat.  I just eat like it's Christmas every day all the time and I'm all jiggly because of it!

Has society taught us that ice cream is ba-a-a-ad, so we shouldn't eat it?  It's sort of like a taboo, but we love it anyway.  Booze, smokes, alcohol, ice cream, candy, the list goes on.  These things all have a certain feeling or thought attached to it.  Do we want it because society teaches us that it's not good for us?  That it's not healthy for us?  

I don't know.  But I sure am glad I'm not focusing on moderating my food choices right now.  Baby steps...

Day 3

TODAY'S AFFIRMATION:  "Without discipline, there is no life at all."  -Katherine Hepburn

I did it today for myself.

I walked for 35 minutes around the neighborhood.  I was not feeling it.  When I woke up this morning, I thought, "Oh, jeez, I don't want to do this."  But I turned off my brain, ate my oatmeal, laced up my shoes and did it.  If I had allowed myself to think about it, I would have talked myself out of it!

I simply "mosey-ed" today.  I did not get my heart excited.  I was strong like a snail.  I didn't push myself, I didn't work hard, I didn't focus on the task at hand, and I certainly was not aware of my surroundings.  I just did it.

I've just finished a pitiful attempt at some strenth/resistance training.  Oh, boy, it was laughable.  I did basically the same thing I did Monday, but I did the half-ass version.  Here's what I did:

Quads:  Wall ball squat, same as Monday.

Back:  Fit ball extention, 2 sets of 10. Different 'cause my upper back is super tender today.

Chest:  Butterfly on the FB (fitball), 2 sets of 15 reps.

Gluts/Hamstring:  same as Monday

Delt(shoulder): same as Monday

Biceps:  DB curls, 2 sets of 15 reps

Triceps:  DB overhead extension, 2 sets of 15 reps

Abs:  same as Monday, but 15 reps instead of 12.  Well, well.  Overzealous today, aren't we?

Yep, not feeling it.  Just doing it.  Just knowing that I have to answer to the blog is enough to shame me into it today.  I know that I have to create the habit, and I'm out of my comfort zone. Have you seen those t-shirts that read, "Pain is weakness leaving the body?"  I'm telling myself that.  Today's pain was not in the actual exercise, but rather in the will to do it.  It took every ounce of effort to NOT talk myself out of this today.  Bleh.  

Day 2.2

One of my girlfriends today told me that she sees herself right now as a "big tub of lard," and "a weak blob of fat."  That sounds so familiar to me.  I feel that way, too, Friend.  I can respect that!  And I feel your pain.

Through my transformation of going from super-fat to Xena Warrior Princess (my alter ego), I had many thoughts.  These might help.  

"Think like Xena.  Eat like Xena.  Train like Xena.  BE XENA!!  If I think like my fat self, I'm going to be my same ol' fat self.  If I think like Xena, I will either be Xena, or I will know that I am on my way."  It's a paradigm shift.

Look at the habits of the overweight folks around you.  Really notice what they eat, how they eat it and how often they eat it.  You'll make the connection, I promise. Now observe what, how and how often they move. Notice the connection again? There's a reason they are what they are:  garbage in, garbage out.  That was me.

I made it a point to live "good stuff in, good stuff out."  When I lived it, I became it.  Slow and steady, little turtle.  Just a few changes at a time.  Don't make lots of change suddenly - you'll set yourself up for failure.  I have another friend who loves soda.  She cut sodas out all together and guess what happened?  Yep, she crashed hard after about a week and a half of soda famine.  Baby steps is the key. Focus on creating a "get moving" habit for a few months.  Then begin the next step in the process, which might be weening yourself off soda - s...l...o...w...l...y.

When it comes to your support system, let me share my story.  My friends and colleagues looked and behaved like me.  Fat.  When I started my body's transformation, their behavior toward me changed (some of them, not all of them). Some folks started making fun of me for getting up at 4:30am to hit the gym.  Some made fun of me because I didn't eat the donuts in the teachers' lounge.  They really rubbed my nose in it, and that hurt, but just for a while.  As I shrunk more and more, I had a great comeback:  "No junk food tastes as good as thin feels, Mrs. Krispy Kreem.  I don't feel like a donut, but I'll bet you do."  What could they say?  Ha.  Yeah, I used to be fat, but now I'm fabulous, so put a sock in it and put your fork down, Crisco.  Those were vicious feelings, but I'm being completely honest, here!

Dr. Phil quotes in his book, Self Matters, "Jealous people always flip-flop on you.  They work for you when you are failing and against you when you are succeeding."  Watch out for these people, they can be toxic to your progress.  They can and will find ways to bring you back down to their level.  God willing, you will never encounter these negative forces. But in my experience, I had to learn to deal with these kinds of folks.  I thought vicious thoughts, but then I figured out that they were just hurt because I was getting smaller and they weren't.  They were lashing out at something they didn't understand and/or feared.  It wasn't their fault they were saying nasty things.  It's human nature.  Offering a kind word works better than spitting venom.

I began to surround myself with new friends.  These folks were healthy. I called them "the beautiful people." Most of them I met at the gym. I knew that if I wasn't at the gym bright and early, they'd be dogging me the next day. Or worse, they'd call me at 5am:  "Get up!  It's time to get to spin class!"  Translation/affirmation:  "It's time to tighten up and get hotter than I was yesterday!" 

Off the subject:  who wants to be healthy and fit?  Not me.  I just wanted to look good.  I was tired of people looking at me because I was fat.  I was tired of being invisible.  I wanted to be the girl that everyone was looking at for the right reasons!  I wanted to be skinny!  I wanted to be hot!  I wanted to wear stylish clothing and look like Barbie!  I wanted to wear high heels and not punish my poor feet with my ridiculous body weight! I was tired of shopping at the fat-lady store.

Back on the subject.  I say to my friend who thinks she is "a big tub of lard:"  Yesterday, you did one thing to improve your negative situation.  Today, do one thing (if you haven't already).  Do one thing every day, I believe in you.  Make it a habit to do one thing everyday for a week.  Then shoot for one more week.  That week will turn into 2.  Etc. you get the idea. You will see small changes. Then, you will use that motivation to do 2 things every day!  More changes, and before you know it, you will see big changes.  It's a snowball, just KEEP IT ROLLING!  

I believe in you.  You can do it.  Just one thing today.  Don't think about it, just do it.

Day 2

Today's word: numbness.

Today's walk is for my little friend Jack. Today is his 5th birthday. Jack's momma has been a constant source of stability and inspiration to me since our college days. Jack is lucky to have a wonderful family, and I wish him a great birthday!

This morning I am sore. When I rolled out of bed, I felt sore all over, but after some coffee and moving around, the soreness concentrated in my gluts ("my seat cushion"). I took the doggie for a nice 32 minute walk this morning. Nice, haha. More like "not nice."

Once we left the house, it didn't take long to realize that I should have worn shorts instead of track pants and a big ol' t-shirt (it hides the rolls). I was anticipating crisp fall air, but WRONGO! It is already a hot one today, and that made for a miserable walk.

Hence the word of this morning: numbness. Just walk and forget how hot it is, girl. Just be numb and MOVE. Who are these crazy skinny aerobics instructors who say, "Go for a walk and enjoy your surroundings and you'll be happier and more fit!" SHOOOOOOOT, not today, you fruit loops. I ignored my surroundings, I was not grateful for the beautiful day and my happy happy life. I saw where I was going, but I didn't LOOK. Phooey. It was just hot and I was yucky sweaty. But I did it. And it's over.

Good grief, some little rolls of fat have crept up on my back and I can feel them spilling over and sticking to the underside. And my arms have expanded up near the shoulder and they rub my sides. I'm remembering what it was like to be super fat (235 lbs at 5'2) and I don't like it. The good news for me is that I also remember loosing it all and how astonishing it was to not have body parts rubbing together...I want that again.

Personal tragedy seems to be hanging around me lately. Life has been tough, and when it rains, it pours. Everything that can go wrong seems to be going wrong. I am struggling to be a good wife and support my husband in good times and bad. Marriage is not always easy and I want to comfort discord with sugary goodness. Bring on the ice cream!!!!! Another reason to just be numb.

On to the technical stuff. Since I am feeling D.O.M.S. (Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness), I will not do resistance training today (exercise with weights). When you train with resistance (weights), you create tiny little tears in the muscles. After a period of time (24 - 48 hours), the muscle begins the tasks of rebuilding itself to be stronger for the next time they will be stressed. In this process, the muscle excretes chemicals that cause that burning and/or sore feeling. This is completely normal. I must now allow my muscles to have time to completely rebuild and heal themselves before I go gnashing my teeth at the dumbbell rack again. WELL, THERE'S A HAPPY THOUGHT!!! REST!!!!

For my cardio this morning, I pushed myself harder today. My heart rate moniter indicated that I was anywhere between 145 and 155 bpm (beats per minute). That's not in my fat burning zone, that's in my endurance training zone. Since it's a "cardio-only day," I'll work harder during my walks. On a day I train with weights, I take it easy during my cardio training, or skip it altogether.

Here's the formula to figure my "training zone:"

(Fat Burning Zone = 60% - 70%)

FORMULA:

220 - Age = Maximum Heart Rate

So for me...220 - 34 (age) = 186

FORMULA:

Maximum Heart Rate x 60% - 70% Fat Burning Zone

So the fat burning zone for me is 111 - 130 BPM. Here's how I found that.

220 - 34 (Age) = 186
186 x .60 = 111 BPM and 186 x .70 = 130 BPM

Keep in mind that this formula is not set in stone, doctors and professionals will debate it, and some folks will tell you something different. That's OK, but this works for me. You gotta find the thing that works for you!!

You might ask: "Carmen, I don't have a fancy-dancy heart rate moniter! Now what?" Great question, I'm glad you asked.

There are several ways to go here. For the fat burning zone, use the "Talk Test." Can you walk and talk without a problem? Bump up the intensity level, you're not working hard enough. Is it slightly difficult to walk and talk now? ON TARGET. Next, is it extremely difficult to carry on a conversation while walking? Take it down a notch if you want to melt fat. If you are Michael Phelps training for the Olympics, you are reading the wrong paragraph.

2nd option: Find your pulse with 2 fingers (not your thumb) on your wrist or neck. If you feel 2 beats every time the second hand ticks on your watch, that's about 120 beats per minute. Your resting heart rate (while sitting down relaxing) will be closer to 1 beat per second.

3rd option: Find your pulse with 2 fingers (not your thumb) on your wrist or neck. With a second hand on a watch, count how many beats you feel for 10 seconds. Now multiply that number by 6 (there are 60 seconds in a minute). For example, if you feel 20 beats in 10 seconds, your heart rate is 120 (20 beats x 6 = 120).

I need to be in this zone for 30 minutes at a time.

Well, that's it for this morning. Time for feeding. :) My favorite!

Evening Cardio

Word of the evening: resilience.

I went for another half-hour walk this evening. The sunset was beautiful! There's a windmill at the park across the street from our house, so looking out to the orange horizon with the windmill spinning made me feel all western. And little boys: all the little suckers were out on the grass for pee-wee football practice.

The doggie went along tonight, so it was not as intense as this morning's Bataan March. It was pretty warm so I did get a little dewey. I don't know how many calories I burned since I wasn't wearing my handy-dandy heart rate monitor, but I like to think it was another centimeter off my thunder thighs. :) I did focus on squeezing my gluts with every step. I'll be a little sore tomorrow (at least I hope).

You know how you get one thought going in your head when you walk by yourself? Then, by the time you get back around to the house, you realize you've been thinking about that one thing during the whole walk? I do that a lot.

Tonight's walk was in memory of the sister of a dear friend. She passed recently and I prayed for their family during this walk.

Back To Work

Today is a new day.  Where do I begin?

Today's word:  ANGER.

I'm mad because I went to homecoming this past weekend and saw some folks who really tick me off.  My anger toward a situation over which I had no control has caused me to stop caring about the things that really matter.  I lost zest for living.  I have had no desire to get up in the morning, take care of myself, and continue to improve my life (and the lives of my loved ones).  I've been bitter for months and it finally came to a head.

I have unfortunately allowed a situation and some really gnarly folks to mark outposts in my head.  Affirmation:  I will no longer allow these toxic events and people define who I am.  I will take control and become MYSELF once again.  So take a hike, negative forces, I've had enough.  I'm tired of being angry, ashamed and bitter.

I was a personal trainer and group fitness instructor once, and my wellness has fallen by the wayside recently.  I am absolutely ashamed of myself.  I avoid meeting up with old friends and new ones like no one's business because I am ashamed of my self discipline and how it looks on me.  Well, there's only one way out of this trench, and I am prepared to start digging my way out.

I'm still angry with some people from my past.  I will use these feelings as fuel and motivation.  My revenge?  I will look and feel better than all of them.  I will be stronger than they could ever hope to be.  I will be more self aware than they are.  I will remember those soft fluffs and do an extra set of push-ups.  Anger can be an effective tool and right now, it's generating my accelerant.  I will be seeing those people again, and without words, I will make them cry.  So let's begin.

Today's workout:  

CARDIO:  I walked around the neighborhood for 30 minutes.  I am sad that my heart rate was almost immediately in the fat burning zone.  One year ago, a simple walk would have been too easy for me.  But for now, it's where I need to be - walking in oxygyn.

RESISTANCE:  (Level of exertion is 1 - 10; 1 is no effort, 10 is on the brink of death)

QUADS:  6...I did "wall ball squats."  I place the fit ball between my lower back and the wall, step out, plant my feet firmly and squat slowly.  2 sets of 12 reps today.  

BACK:  10 (my rear delts are pathetically weak and not supportive)...I used "toddler dumbbells" and did 2 sets of 15 reps of dead rows.

CHEST:  7...Baby sized DB (dumbbell) fly on the fit ball.

HAMSTRING/GLUTS:  9...Static lunges - 2 sets of 10 on each side.  Then standing glut kickbacks:  1 set of 15 reps, 2nd set was only 10 reps on each side.  I reached my limit.

DELTS:  4...Infant sized DB side lateral raises, 2 sets of 15 reps.

BICEPS:  4...Baby sized DB curls, 2 sets of 12 reps.

TRICEPS:  4...Infant sized DB overhead extensions, 2 sets of 10 reps.

ABS:  7...12 crunches on the fit ball.  Holy hell, I'm weak.

Notice my level of effort is not much today.  That's because my muscles are so atrophied that I want to walk and lift my arms tomorrow.  As I go on, I'll increase the strength in my supporting muscle groups along with the level of exertion.  Baby steps...

Today, I trained for MYSELF.  I am not strong enough to do it for anyone else yet, but I will get to that point.  I trained for myself, but Denise and Melinda were right there with me in my thoughts, cheering me on.  Thanks, girls.  I miss you both.

Affirmation:  just do it, don't think about it.  DO IT!