My attitude tends to have "zones." For about 45 minutes before I left, my attitude toward the upcoming walk was in the red zone - the anticipation of walking was bad enough that I almost talked myself out of it. Once I got out walking, my attitude slid right into the green zone. Once I'm in the act of exercising, I'm fine. It's the red zone leading up to it that gets me in trouble. I've got to weaken this "red zone." Yep, I'll work on that.
Deep thoughts: Thinking back to "Scooter Lady," some thoughts have come to mind. I struggle to make sense of these things. When I was little (maybe 5?), I was sexually abused by a male cousin. Mom and dad and I had gone to a neighboring town to visit an aunt, uncle and cousins. It was a sunny afternoon, dad was m.i.a. (probably out shooting guns or something rednecky like that) and mom and my aunt had gotten into the car to go somewhere for a spell. That left me with one of the male cousins in charge to "watch over me." Yeah, right.
I remember waiting for mom and aunt to get back to the house - I was at the sliding window door eagerly anticipating their arrival. When they finally pulled up in the driveway, I ran out to mom (she was driving) to tell her and auntie what had happened. I remember her second guessing me ("Are you sure?") and exchanging a little conversation regarding my ability to be really sure about this. Then she said, "OK, then, don't worry about it." I felt a weight had been lifted; I knew I didn't have to worry about it. Mom would take care of it.
This has never been a weight on my mind (I trusted my mom!) until I was an adult. Why didn't my mom run in that house, grab that loser by the ear into the living room with all of us and HANDLE IT?! My mom should have been my protector! Moms are supposed to fight to the death for their children! Mine didn't. We all went into the house, the women lit up some smokes, and started gabbing about something or other. Never mind that aunt heard this entire conversation I had just had with mom and she never said 2 words about it either. What the hell was that all about, people?
At the time, there were only a handful of high school diplomas among our aunts, uncles and parents on that side of the family. Not the smartest bunch on the planet. I fondly think of our family as "redneck hillbillies." But why didn't these 2 adult women sense the potential damage in this situation and have the brains to correct this problem so it would never happen again?
I never really thought too much about this. In fact, I had forgotten it until it came up in a counseling/therapy session years later. The therapist stated that unfortunately, this is very common in normal everyday households. Common? Wow, I had no idea I was part of this vague statistic.
The thought and anger passed until I turned 33. Then I got a phone call with confirmation that I was not the only cousin in the family who was a victim of this situation. There were others.
This brings out a lot of pain. So neither mom nor aunt did anything to stop it from happening again. They knew, oh, yes, they knew because I told them! I should not have trusted mom, but I was only 5, I couldn't make a decision like that. I couldn't know how to handle it. I'm sorry that the discussion never again came up. I wish it would have, and we maybe we could have saved each other from the abuse and pain. I'm sorry the I wasn't the only victim here. I'm sorry I never said anything to you about what happened to me. I'm sorry it happened to you, too! And why is it easier for us to write it in a journal, post on a blog or share with a therapist? Why don't we tear down the highway to our attacker's home with our nostrils flaring and confront him/them? I'm an adult now! I'm the one supposedly being the adult here. The abuse is probably still going on to others, for all I know.
This event from my childhood isn't why I struggle with my self identity. But it is certainly a piece to the puzzle. And not just a boring old piece of blue sky. It's an important piece of the puzzle, like someone's eye or bright green shirt.
"It is not only for what we do that we are held responsible, but also for what we do not do." -Moliere
No comments:
Post a Comment