Well, I did work out with Wii on Saturday morning for 30 minutes. It was a low level workout because I'd been feeling so sick - and I'm still feeling that way, so I haven't worked out since! I think it must be allergies, because the feeling comes and goes. Who wants to train with a pounding headache and being able to breathe only through your mouth? Not me. I actually have a nose-ache, if that is such a thing.

Well, you know Vegas is approaching! I'm having a very hard time looking forward to it because my first stop on the trip is to visit family (cue ominous music here, something like the Darth Vadar theme). I am anticipating a very strained visit over dinner - it just always goes that way, no matter how joyful I try to be. It's so difficult to get along with my family.

The good news is that I had a super great time meeting with my Alanon sponsor today!!! She is so wise and seemed to know exactly the right things to share with me today. Of the many things she reminded me, here is a nugget of wisdom that I should tattoo on my forearm:

Expectations are preconceived failures.

I have so many expectations of how my family should approach me, what are appropriate subjects to talk about, the right tone of voice to use, etc. I need to let go of my expectations and just worry about my own self! My Sponsor helped me to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to the table. If a conversation turns sour because of something someone said, I need to remember that it might have been said in pain. I do not know the pain, suffering and joy of each person who will be at the dinner table, and therefore I cannot possibly know the agenda behind what's being said. Am I making any sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

I have to curb my desire to respond to (what I deem as) inappropriate questions with vinegar and honey. I just want to (act like a 4 year old) spit back statements that may be as hurtful as the question. For example:

Family member: "Why don't you come visit us anymore?"

Me: "In the entire 11 years of my married life, you never once came to visit me. I'm tired of footing the travel bill."

Other questions I hate:

"When are you having kids?"

"Why can't you spend more time with us today?"

"Why couldn't you get here earlier?"

"Why did cut off all your pretty hair?"

"Have you found a job yet?"

"How much is your vacation to Vegas costing you? Well, you don't even have a job! How are you going to pay for it?" (This will be a likely conversation)

"Since you're not working, how much money is your husband making?"

"When are you coming for our next visit?"

"How's your dad? Why haven't you talked to him?"

These questions sound crazy even to me, but seriously, they get asked at practically every family visit! Once, when I shared my wish to start a garden at our new place in the backyard, I was told, "Well, you can't do that! It takes the years to prepare the soil for a garden. And the grass runners will take over anyway. You won't be able to have a garden, you're just being silly." I'm not exaggerating!

This is typical, and I need to stop worrying about it. I have no control over it.

Now that I've gotten these things off my chest, I'm going to set it aside for now. I'm going to think about Vegas and how much fun I'm going to have with my friend!!!

I'm chairing an Alanon meeting tonight. I'm planning the topic to be "communication." My sponsor recommended remembering "detachment" as well. Yep, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm glad I met with her today!!!

Down and Out

Boo, hiss!!!

Well, I didn't get a workout today. I've been stricken down with something nasty - a virus maybe? I've done nothing but nap all day long. I haven't been sick in years, I think! I've been so healthy for so long that I forgot how bad it feels to be sick!

The back of my neck all the way up to the top of my head feels sore and tender. There is a white pasty substance in the back of my throat (according to my husband) and I feel like I've got golf ball sized tumors back in there. It hurts to swallow. I think I'm dying with swine flu. OK, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic.

I was reading my Alanon book today since I didn't feel like laundry and other manual labor chores. "Gratitude" was one of the subjects, among many others. I did actually get a good chunk of reading finished.

Today I am grateful the I can lay in front of the TV and rest in a comfortable home. Disney's Pinnochio is just coming on ABCFamily, so I'm going to exercise some gratitude before I doze off again. Better luck tomorrow.

Memories!

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers

I had to do some running in place for part of my workout this morning, which I depsise. DON'T INTELLIGENT TRAINERS AND FITNESS SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS REALIZE THAT WOMEN HAVE BREASTS? THESE THINGS BOUNCE, DONCHA KNOW??!! Men and skinny flat chested women just don't understand the gravity of this situation. AAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!! GRAVITY!! Oh, boy, I should keep my day job.

I heard from some cousins with whom I haven't spoken in years. Facebook is such a wonderful thing! Oh, some great memories are flooding back, and reconnecting with family doesn't have to be a painful thing. For me, it's unusual, but I love hearing from my long lost cousins! Can't wait to hear more from them!

Yesterday evening for dinner, we made fajitas. Take away the cheese and sour cream and the sheer volume of food intake, and it may have actually been healthy! Ha! Go figure. Anyway, I made homemade whole wheat tortillas, refried beans from scratch a few days before, sweet onions & mushrooms and my husband grilled the chicken. On the side were the beans & spanish rice (made from a packet - not from scratch). Pretty good, but the whole wheat tortillas are a bit cardboard-y.

Yea for me!! I worked out this morning! I took the doggie for a little trek around the neighborhood, even though it's still "crotch-pot-hot." Then I did a 30 minute workout on Wii EASports and it kicked my butt. There are some things I'd change about the program, but at this point, I'm pouring sweat, so I'm not going to fire off a letter to the company just yet. There's no post workout stretching, and that's a big problem for me. Fortunately, I am the smartest woman in the world, so I finished off with my own stretch routine.

In my Alanon program, I am working through the 12 steps with my sponsor. I was surprised that Alanon works the same steps that AA does. At first, I thought, "Why would I need to do this? I don't have a drinking problem." But as I study the steps, attend meetings, and consider the wisdom that people share at meetings, I now realize how important working these steps is to me. And I also think that Alanon is great for everyone, not just family and friends of alcoholics!

I'm working step 2 right now: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." I've been getting hung up on the concept of "God" in this step, but you know what? As I wrote out step 2 just now, I've only just now observed that God isn't even mentioned in the step. Hmm. How about that?

Well, for the time that I've been living with an active alcoholic, I certainly have had many moments of insanity; feeling like I was crazy and wanted to die, scratch my skin off, pull out my hair, etc. Going to Alanon meetings has certainly been "a power greater than myself." Getting my feelings out on paper, sharing with friends, blogging, I consider all of these things great powers. I really love the Star Wars concept of "The Force (or 'The Fierce,' depending on my mood)." I can learn from all of these sources how to bring serenity, balance and peace to my own mind.

Now, I don't like how step 2 is worded: "...power...can restore us...." This power can't magically do anything for me. I can learn the tools, or "study the magic spells" and learn how to make life work well for me. When I run out of gas in the car, a higher power isn't going to make a can of gas magically appear. I have the tools (drivers' license, money, a set of wheels) to help me get to the gas station to fill up. These tools are what I'm learning through my step study.

I mentioned in last evening's meeting that I wish life had an instruction manual, but unfortunately, it just doesn't. A very brilliant person stated later that "for me, the Alanon blue handbook is my instruction manual." Oh, why didn't I see that?! Hmm. Yes, it never dawned on me quite like that; I'm still new Alanon and still discovering!

Have a great Tuesday, Friends. May The Fierce be with you.

A Moment of Self-Realization

So I went to an Alanon meeting this evening thinking, "Hmmm, what more can I possibly learn?" Well, a whole lot, it turns out!

At the meeting, I was reading a passage aloud about resentments and how toxic they can be to us. I realized and shared with the group my thoughts on how I learned the fine art of hanging onto resentments from a very early age. My father's picture is in the dictionary under "resentment." He holds so much resentment to so many people, it's destroyed lots of wonderful relationships for him, and I feel sorry for him.

I realized later (when someone else was sharing) that OH MY GOSH! This is a pattern with my entire family! This is what I learned from watching my father and his sibling regarding resentment:

Forgiveness is a sign if weakness. Resentment (holding grudges and being angry with a person) is a sign of strength. The longer a person can hold onto a resentment, the stronger he becomes. "Real men don't forgive."

I was on the receiving end of that stick during my teenage years, when my father raised me by himself. When I got in trouble, boy, was I in trouble for WEEKS at a time for something as simple as not practicing the piano for 30 minutes (or something as seemingly inconsequential). I don't think my father approached me as a "female/lady/fairer sex" because as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't as much woman as my mother was, and I could certainly never hope to be.

I realize now that even my mother unconsciously taught me not to behave like a lady. I'll never forget this event:

When I was young (maybe 5 years old), I went shopping with my mother for beautiful little girls' dresses. I tried on a few really fairy tale princess-y dresses with the frilly lacy petticoats underneath, you know, the kind you wear with white patent Mary Jane shoes and white socks with big lace around the ankles. It was the first time I remember feeling beautiful. My mom wouldn't let me out of the dressing room, and I understand why, now that I'm older. She shook her head and said, "No, we can't get you these dresses until you lose some weight. You're too fat."

WHAT THE HELL????!!!! I was a child! I have held this memory all my life and never shared it with another soul. I realize now how that one moment damaged my self image for the rest of my life. That one sentence spoken by my mother spun me into a dimension of self-loathing. A mother is supposed to make sure her daughter feels beautiful, not fat.

Well, anyway, back to the whole "my family resents everybody and everything" issue, I came home and talked with my husband about all this. I shared with him that I have approached our marriage with much undeserved and preconceived resentments. I've grown resentful and stayed angry with him for days, not blinking an eye about ruining holidays or special events. Yeah, just like I always hated my father for doing. My god, what have I become?

So, Friends, I have a shortcoming I need to work on. When I get to that step in Alanon, it will be on my list. It's been a big night for me and I'm mentally exhausted. Good night.

Almost Vegas

Well, Saturday was a lazy day, but yesterday I have to tell you about! I did a 45 minute workout on Wii EASports and it totally kicked my butt! Dudes, I was drenched in sweaty sweat! Wow!

Today, I went for a long walk in the hot heat with the doggie and thinking about what I've got to do the rest of the day! Vegas is coming and it hit me this morning - it's next week! Holy cow!

Well, I think I was a bit too hasty when I thought I could fit into the Vegas dress by next week - it's just not happening. But I'm going to keep working on it. I have another super cute dress I found at Ross for $10 I'll be taking to Vegas instead.

Just a quick message to remind myself that I'm still alive and I need to be healthy. Happy Monday everyone!!

Friday Already?!

Well, my motivation has waned. I realize it's been 4 days since I last blogged. And my food journal - well, let's just say that I've procrastinated to the point of blank pages this week. I will be having dinner with some family members I don't see too frequently in just a few weeks, and I'm really dreading it. I think that's got a lot to do with the fact that I'm not fired up this week. I did go swimming and I'm still Wii-ing, though, so I do feel pretty good about that.

I've been having thoughts of switching the blog to "publicly published." This means that anyone would be able to see it. Perhaps you noticed I changed my user name to Ace Mandrel at the bottom of these posts - I'm testing the waters. I do wish to remain anonymous and wasn't even sure if I could do that, but it seems ok so far...

I will be sifting through the posts to check for anonymity (yours and mine!) throughout in the next week or so. I'm still on the fence on this and haven't completely decided. I'll change names if I find any (to protect the innocent). I'll change the settings so that I can read comments first, then choose people's comments to post.

If you have thoughts, please share them! Have a great Friday!

New Monday

Yea! I workout out this morning, but it was rough. I got 15 minutes through an EASports Wii session and started over with another one. My legs are sore, so I thought I picked one that would not focus on legs. Wrongo! So I got a good hour of Wii today. Good for me.

Yesterday I did Kung Fu yard work and ate ice cream. Woo! What a day. It was still too hot to be mowing grass, but I did it anyway. Why? Because I can. And I should!

Food has been pretty good for me today. I don't feel like going into details, but I will say that I had peppers from my garden (stuffed) for dinner. Yummy.

I've had a struggle with my mood today and I've just wanted to eat junk. I spoke with one of my aunts on the phone today. She was really rude (as she usually is) for no reason I could find and I tried my best not to let it eat me up inside. She's like that with me and my other two cousins, as well as a few other family members. Everyone excuses her crappy moods "because she's so heavy and unhappy." That seems to be a theme in my family - "making excuses for others' bad behavior." That really ticks me off. Maybe that's why my aunt is 58 years old and still acts like a 5 year old; because no one taught her to stop.

Also, I am really ticked about Michael Vick, who was on 60 Minutes yesterday evening. As Jill Conner Browne said in The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, "some men need killin.'" The world would be a better place if he would vanish. Perhaps some PETA folks will handle that and I shall do a happy dance. I've just been thinking about how injust and pathetic that whole situation is, and how it pisses me off. So I got on the floor and gave my dog some loving scratching and petting because that's what I CAN do today.

I've been doing housework all day and I'm beat. I think I'll sleep good tonight.

I was watching the show Ruby this past weekend. I think she's on Style Network. I really love that show which I've only just started catching pieces of. She went kayaking for the first time. She talked about how afraid she was to do something new (too fat to get in the boat, she can't do something she's never done before, etc.) and how the old fat Ruby was trying to talk the new slimmer Ruby out of doing something she's always wanted to do. I was really relating to her! If you haven't seen that show, it's worth checking out.

Well, I just don't have anything else to say for today (certainly no words of wisdom). I just feel tired and I'm sure this passage will seem like rambling. I have plans to work out again tomorrow, so I'll see y'all on the flip side!

You guys still with me?!

Still Working

Even though it's been a few days since I've been with you, I've been working! I have been doing at least one 30 minute workout every day this week except Thursday. I got a new Wii disk called EASports with different varieties of workouts. I did my first one this morning with the new disk. It took about an hour because it takes you through tutorials of different exercises. Holy cow, this was the best workout yet! I was literally pouring sweat. It's a good thing because my food has been pretty OK this week. Not excellent.

I won't lay out all the details, but food during the day has been average. Scalloped potatoes were a not-so-good report for a couple of meals (there are always leftovers). For the most part, pretty OK. The bad news comes after 8pm. Every day this week, I was craving ice cream! So I caved. And I made a batch of homemade brownies and had a few of those.

The problems I had with food this week resulted with simple lack of menu planning. Had I laid out a plan, set a couple of cheat days for the week and been prepared at the grocery store, I would have successfully eaten more cleanly. So I'll try again this week.

Time to plan the menu! Please leave your comments, I'm feeling lonely here...

Monday

Everything you see I owe to spaghetti. -Sophia Loren

I just finished my workout this morning. I did a cardio Wii with Maya this morning and also did a few balance games to strengthen my core a little. It's over, I feel better physically, and again, I did it, and it's over. :)

I had a pretty rough weekend and didn't keep track of my food. I'll report what I can remember...

Friday evening, we went to a diner not far from our house in a neighboring suburb. We were hoping to get some really great diner food, but it was disappointing. The food was bland and reminded me of Furr's cafeteria. It was good, don't get me wrong. But I can cook a dang site better in my own skillet. I had chicken fried chicken (it's a boneless chicken breast that's fried), potatoes & gravy, squash casserole (nothing casserole-y about it), and peas from a can. Oh, and a buttered roll that tasted like blah.

Waste of a cheat. No sweat, let's top it all off with leftover German Chocolate Crigger Cake and ice cream! Oh, boy...

Saturday for an afternoon snack, I had a mini Schwan ice cream bar. I was so hungry in about 30 minutes, I decided I needed another. For dinner, we grilled BBQ rubbed shrimp, blue cheese grits and marinated tomatoes. Yummy!!! Oh, and more cake and ice cream. Brother...

Yesterday, I had leftovers from last night for lunch. I was in such a foul mood, that I substituted dinner with cake, another cake and ice cream.

I know that my very sour mood this weekend was directly related to my food choices. When I feel bad, I eat crappy food that tastes comforting and makes me feel bloated and sick. The good news is that we played Wii games (not physically challenging). We decided that we are well on our way to being the fat folks from the Disney movie "Wallee." They live on a cruise ship and ride around on chairs because they're too fat to get up. Yep, I felt like that this weekend.

Patience, Grasshopper

Thursday's food choices, I'd say 3 out of 5 stars: ***

B'fast: coffee, cereal

Snack: fruit & nut bar

Lunch: leftover balonie spaghetti, 3 sm. pc. garlic bread, **2 bites of my husband's piece of cake, yea for me for not eating a whole dang piece

Snack: Schwan's mini ice cream bars (it's a great alternative to a whole bowl of ice cream - they're itty-bitty)

Dinner: Thai peanut chicken and **ONE bite of my husband's cake, yea for me!

I'll report today's food tomorrow probably. We're planning on going out to a diner - hold on to your hats for a cheat report. I did work out today with the Wii - Maya gave me a great workout!

Today, I'm feeling frustrated because I want to be back in my size 4 RIGHT NOW (I'd settle for and 8). Gosh, it's only been a few days, so I need to slow my roll. I went back through my book of quotes and found a goodie I'll leave at the end. I also read another nugget of wisdom in one of my Alanon books of daily messages which I'll leave at the end.

I started to fly off the handle again, a fella yesterday was telling me what to do and how to do it ("um, did I ask you for you opinion, Mister? no I did not"). But after I stewed about it, I had a brilliant idea. Sometimes people say things to us which can be extremely hurtful. Or maybe it seems like they're being bossy and telling us what to do and how to do it. Here's the way I'm choosing to see it today:

People really do love us, and in their minds, they're attempting to show us loving kindness through their actions and words in the best way they know how. Sometimes in the filter of their (or our) minds, things get twisted and come out as hurtful to us. If those actions or words do indeed come across as hurtful to us, it's just because folks may not know us and how to show us love in helpful ways. Their shortcomings are theirs and theirs alone. Bossy attitudes of others are their faults, not ours. If they spew vile at us, it's because they have some rotten things inside them eating them up. But I will try to not take the bait, I will not be angry with them, I will not fault them or judge them for being hurtful in my mind. I should pray for them.

I felt myself spinning into another dimension of anger after this guy started in on me. But I remembered a few hours later that he meant no harm. He was only trying to help me when he was telling me what to do and how to do it. I need to just be grateful to have a loving friend and leave it alone.

Never let yesterday use up too much of today. -Will Rogers

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. -Chinese Proverb

Forget injuries, never forget kindness. -Confucius

The Aftermath

Today's food:

coffee, Fiber 1

lunch - small pc leftover quiche, asparagus

apple & peanut butter

balonie spaghetti (whole wheat linguini) and 3 small slices of garlic butter bread (peppridge farm in the frozen section of the store). Yes, that right, balonie from the deli couter, like the sandwich kind. I cube it, cook in skillet, then simmer in spaghetti sauce with veggies from the garden.

AND THE CAKE! OMG!! Delicious! This is the greatest thing! Or maybe I've been looking forward to it and knew it would be the bomb. Wow - if anyone wants the recipe, I'll share! Pecans, coconut, chocolate, cream cheese...heaven!

I'm winding down from the little fit I threw starting yesterday. I think I have bouts of paranoia. WTH?

Tomorrow I look forward to an Alanon meeting and a visit with my Sponsor. I think that my Sponsor probably understands the craziness in my head a little bit. Maybe I'll learn something that will help me to calm the wild beast that is me. I hope and pray! I'm learning how to be willing to let go a little bit more. And to STOP judging. Baby steps, right?

Oh, I read a quote in one of my Alanon books today and it was JUST what I needed:

"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched." -George Jean Nathan

Feeling Blah

Yesterday's food:

coffee oatmeal

yogurt lite, small pc. quiche

small pc. quiche, asparagus

choc. chips for a snack, oh, yes, now I feel better

grilled burger w/ cheese, mushrooms, onion, acavacdo & mayo

walnuts for my midnight unexpected crash. I successfully avoided the chocolate

I went swimming yesterday morning, I it really wiped me out! What a nice refreshing workout. I'm doing anything to avoid feeling like I'm "working."

What a mood swing last night! It felt like a lingering panic attack. Yes, I've been getting that feeling too. The residual effects are anger which is what I'm feeling today. But I'm trying to haul my butt up out of it.

Today I did a Wii workout and tried a new one called "My Fitness Trainer." The trainer's name is Maya. Oh, Maya whipped me doing a 15 minute cardio session - if you could see me in my living room working out with a "vidya game" you'd laugh! Maybe some of you are working out with your Wii's too. It's great fun and a much tougher workout that I was hoping for today. Seriously, it kicked my butt! I'm not sure what I think about Maya...

Well, chocolate cake day is here!! Can't wait to get it made. The Schwann man is coming today, so I'm planning to get some ice cream as well. Oh, yes, I love to cheat.

I'm having an especially difficult day with my mind. I'm so angry with my husband - it all started yesterday evening. We were sitting at the table yesterday evening eating a nice dinner and he was telling me about his most recent AA meeting, the step he's working on, what is difficult and what is more difficult, blah, blah, blah (I imagine it's all pretty tough for him). One of my gripes lately is that he doesn't share enough with me what he's learning about himself from the AA meetings (you know me, I always talk his ear off). Well, he's just doing the right thing for me, bucking up and doing his part to share.

As he was telling me these things, I could feel unexpected anger deep inside me welling up from simmer to boiling over in about 10 minutes flat. I don't know why, but I started thinking about all the "life goals" we've been postponing, all the home improvements that are on the back burner and all MY hopes and dreams which have been torn to pieces because alcohol has pretty much derailed everything. And this early into recovery, he's nowhere near thinking about the future, he can't even see as far ahead as next weekend.

I'm so frustrated! I want to make plans, go on vacation, paint a room, so many things! Not only is lack of future planning an issue for us right now, but going to our meetings us sucking. He goes to meetings on evenings when I'm home. I go to meetings when he's home. Result, we can't even get together long enough to go over the budget for the upcoming week. It's the little stuff we can't do together because we're both focusing on recovery that really starting to eat away at both of us.

We're both frustrated. I'm trying not to allow my frustration to eat its way (no pun intended) into my food choices and training regimen. I was pretty proud of myself for choosing walnuts in my unexpected white hot fury last night. There is a Kit Kat and a Turtle in the pantry (my husband bought for emergencies because he knows me), but I DIDN'T TOUCH EITHER OF THEM. YESYESYES. Hurdle overcome! Mountain climbed! Baby step taken!

I'm not feeling so happy today, but cheat cake is coming. :) That's enough happy thought for me right now.

Can't sleep!

OK, I'm completely weird-ed out and I can't sleep.

I had a pretty rough evening. I was hanging in there OK, when suddenly I had a quick downturn of my mood for some unknown reason; I do that a lot lately. I don't know, it's Tuesday, so I guess I'm due a white-hot mood swing. I suddenly became very angry and really couldn't wait to get out of the house to my Alanon meeting. Oh, boy. Then things got worse. I'm supposed to feel better after a meeting, but just not so.

I'm new to Alanon, and quite frankly, I don't know my ass from my elbow these days. Life for the past year and a half has been confusing and I'm just trying to get out of bed and brush my teeth, much less anything else. Seriously, it's a huge deal for me to get dressed (in real clothes, not pajamas). Sometimes, that's a good goal to have.

(Venting starts here) Anyhoo, I feel like a pack of Mary Kay ladies is descending on me at Alanon. "You really need to buy another book...you really should chair a meeting...don't you want to be on our email list?...you really should..." OH MY GOD, I barely walked through the door and I'm ready to bolt already! I'm completely new to this, I'm just trying to learn how to get through the day, I'm only on step one! I don't know how to say "no" with confidence again, I'm still just trying to locate my elbow. I feel like they're trying to run me off. I need simplicity, not complicated-y. I just need a soft place to fall, a meeting where I can learn something wise, not more complication. K.I.S.S. ("keep it simple, stupid" - have you heard that?).

I am totally freaked out. So what's the knee jerk reaction? Stuff my face with crap food at midnight, internalize, bottle it up. Hate on my husband for getting us into this situation. If it weren't for him and his stupid drinking problem, I'd be skipping through fields of wildflowers, tip-toe-ing through the tulips. Hate, hate, hate, fester, fester, fester, rot, rot, rot.

Poor, poor me. Send sympathy chocolates to me at . . .haha.

What has happened to me? This is not me. Feeling sorry for myself and eating away my pain? This rabbit hole is pretty deep. Good thing I found the food.

Monday

Wow. Look at this amazing lunch.

OMG! I was just thinking about last night's pie and ice cream fest. I can't believe I made such a stupid excuse for cheating that badly. WHAT WAS I THINKING??!! I CAN DO BETTER THAN THAT!!! I'm surprised that none of you called me out for it!!! :) haha After that big ol' cheesecake I had this weekend, I can't believe that I actually thought that pie and ice cream was a good choice for the Silver Vegas Dress. What was I thinking? Hmmm. Oh, well, I'll be making up for that one this week, starting TODAY.

Today's food has been good:

B'fast: 1/2 cup coffee, Fiber 1 cereal

Lunch: dry tuna, tomatoes & a piece of sourdough bread (could have been whole wheat for a better choice). I've provided a lovely delicious pic here. Too bad it doesn't have smell-o-vision. It reeks of stinky tuna!

Snack: fruit & nut bar, fruit protein shake

Dinner: Quiche (mushroom, spinach, krab & cheese), asparagus. OK, let's be real, I snuck a few bites of cheese & krab while I was preparing dinner, but I gotta count those too!!

I went shopping for this week's menu today. Having the whole week's meals planned out (including snacks) makes it easier for me to stick to cleaner eating. I don't have to think about what I'm hungry for, I just look on the list posted on the fridge and see what yummy goodness I planned for myself. Besides, Wednesday is a cheat evening dessert, and I can hold on easier with that in my sights!!!! It's a fancy kind of German chocolate cake with cream cheese and the likes - yum!! I've never made it before. Come oooon, Wednesday!

Speaking of, I just love cooking! We have decided to have a least one "mystery dinner" every week (a new recipe). Yes, he cooks, too, which is totally great. This week we have 3 mystery dinners planned (last night was one)! Coming up: steak au poivre and chicken piccata on the weekend. I gladly share recipes if something peaks your interest. If Wednesday's cake turns out good, you'll be hearing about it for sure!!

After dinner, we made cookies for our new neighbors to take over. The house smells yummy and edible, but I resisted the temptation to sneak one. Besides, we had just enough for an even dozen. My OCD took over and I couldn't stand taking over 11 cookies to new neighbors, so that made it easier to resist. I am craving something sugary, so I might have 6 or 8 chocolate chips I have in the fridge later (the kind you bake in your cookies). I will surely report them if I do. I just feel a serious sugar crave after dinner every day and need to taste something sweet. Psychological or physiological?

That brings me to a topic of discussion, and please feel free to comment your thoughts here. I've been doing some exercises for my Alanon work regarding "alcoholism is a disease." Do I believe/understand that alcoholism is a disease? Why or why not? Truthfully, I have been having a hard time getting my head wrapped around the concept.

So what about food and how the "disease" concept can relate to eating? Is being fat a disease? Is overweight-ness a disease? Is the uncontrollable urge to binge eat a disease? I know there's a whole 12 step program for Overeaters Anonymous, but just as a shallow discussion, how do I relate and cross reference my experiences with the concept of disease? I have some present thoughts on the matter, but I will save them till later because I'm interested to see if any of you might want to share your comments on the subject. Again, you can comment to this post here, or if you'd rather share privately via email, that's great, too.

Sunday

Food, OK, here we go:

Fruit & nut bar, coffee, cereal

Another bar

Krab & cucumber filled sushi

Protein fruit shake

Orange Roughy with Avacado Aioli (home cooking by by the husband in today's pic)

Steamed zucchini

Sweet potato (with butter buds, splenda/sugar & pecans)

Peach pie & ice cream

OK, OK I know, it's not supposed to be a cheat day, so what's up with the pie and ice cream?? I ended up mowing the lawn yesterday in the hot, hot heat index of Texas, and let me tell you, I burned 4 gazillion callories, so I treated myself! :) Plus, it turned out to be a Wii marathon yesterday with the Sports Resort (swordfighting, basketball hoops, archery, etc).

I will say this: I was disappointed as I mowed the grass. My arms feel weaker than I'm comfortable with and I pushed that silly mower with every ounce of energy I could muster up! I can certainly tell that I'm nowhere near the top of my game these days. When we lived in Tennessee, we had a huge yard and it was entirely on a sloped hill. I remember coming home from the gym from a hard workout and mowing the grass while I was still in my sweaty clothes and feeling "a nice stretch and winding down from my workout." Yesterday's mowing WAS my workout.

Now, some might say that they're happy being overweight and out of shape, everything's just fine, thank you very much. Yee-haw for them. For myself, it's different. I've been fat and I got better, and I'll say it again: "Life looks a damn sight better when I'm fit, svelte & in control of my food choices." Right now, I can do better and I can look better, so this is why I'm working so hard.

Tomorrow's a big day of running errands, so I got to bed at 10pm. Ooo, I'm gonna be sore.

A New Week

Saturday's eating was pretty much residual of cheat day:

Coffee, cereal

Yogurt lite

Leftover Cheesecake Factory (and CAKE)

Homemade mushroom pizza with creamy Italian dressing (not a good choice, but I love pizza no other way)

Nothing too exciting to report - my husband and I played Wii Sports Resort. Wow - that is so fun!!

Sugar Hangover

Cheat day yesterday - woo hoo! It came in the form of dining out, which we hardly ever do. Here's the breakdown of yesterday's food.

B'fast: coffee with the usual accoutrements, Fiber 1 cereal (I just can't do oatmeal in summertime)

Snack after workout: Fruit protein shake, almond snack bar

Lunch: leftever salmon, potato and corn from last night's dinner.

Dinner at Cheesecake Factory:

Appetizer bread with butter (too much of both, who cares, it's Cheat Day)

Mango tea loaded with to much sugar, who cares, it's Cheat Day

Half of a Kobe beef swiss cheeseburger with onions, mushrooms, tomato and extra mayo

French fries with mayo, yum

A few bites of my husband's chicken piccata and pasta drenched in olive oil, OMG delicious

A few hours later for dessert: 1/4 slice of Red Velvet cheesecake trimmed in white chocolate shavings

Boy did I feel sick from all the sugar last night! It was so great, but halfway though my half of the slicec, I started feeling el sicko. So I've still got some cake left today, as well as the other half of my burger. I'll have it for lunch, provided I get on the Wii sometime this morning. :)

Speaking of Wii, my shoulders are sore! We bought a new game and played last night, and my shoulders feel throbbing this morning! I must be getting a lot of good out of playing the Wii fit stuff, because I am feeling it like I'd feel a good workout at the gym. But it's so much more fun!

I keep asking my husband, "Am I skinnier yet?!" And he keeps laughing under his breath and saying, "Yes, I think you already are!" Ha. He's go great for playing along with me. It helps me to keep up the clean eating.