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In Spite Of

We become the adults we are either as a result of our childhoods or IN SPITE OF our childhoods.  I'm choice B, I suppose.  


So as I spend all this time hand stitching away, I have lots of time to ponder life in general.  Why the hell am I creating all this work for myself?  I could have just bought these baptism garments.  I could have made them, but used store-bought trim.  Why do I insists on personalizing every aspect of this project and adding more work to my already full plate?


EUREKA!!  I suddenly understand so much more about myself.  I've realized only yesterday that, again, it's in spite of my childhood.  All my time as a kid was spent competing with my mother for my father's attention.  I was never as good at anything as she was (I've got an earlier blog referencing this topic).  Sewing was one of those things.  "I'd just never even hope to be as good as she was" is what I learned to believe from my father's actions and words to me.  Well, I suppose even in her death that I'm out to prove myself just to spite my father by trying to do things better than she did.  I'm not sure if my mother made my christening dress (was I ever christened?).  Well, snap.  I've got TWO with hand beaded trim, 2 bibs, and 2 bible covers.  


So do I have my dad's attention and respect now?  Ha,  doesn't that sound crazy?  dark?  twisted?  immature?  It does to me, but it's what makes me tick and I am embracing it in this moment.  For some strange reason, I feel like Neo in The Matrix at the end when he whoops that Agent Smith's ass and flexes a "digital wave" through the matrix.  Yep, that's me at the sewing machine.  *snicker* *sneeze(nerd!)*


What a weird path my mind has taken.  Still trying to become a more well-adjusted adult I suppose.

Slightly Derailed

Well, this week is off.  DS is teething and going through anxiety phase BAD!  He didn't last 20 minutes in day care at the gym last Saturday.  And he's been up at night every night.  Whine, whine, whine.

Oh, it's all good because I've been working on baptism garments - homemade!  Yes, hand sewing zillions of little seed pearls, trim work, sewing the little bible covers and bibs is taking for.ev.er.  So during nap time, that's what I'm doing.  I'm ready to be done with all this stuff so I can get to living life again.  You know, doing laundry, cleaning up the kitchen, scrubbing the toilets.  Oh, right.  I meant watching Opr...oh, right.  Well, shit, guess I've run out of excuses to get it on back to the gym.

OK, so standby for updates.  I've got to get myself into the new dress I bought for the baptism next weekend and haven't checked it in a couple of weeks.  Hope I can breathe!  Thank you, Assets from Target!  I'm not paying for the real Spanx, so I'll stick with the cheap sausage casing.  :)

Still Going...

I've set the blog to be viewed on your phone now.  Yea!

Last week was a success!  Monday, Tuesday and (unexpectedly) Thursday were days at the new gym.  Friday was a day at the pool, but it was short since it seems no one is tending to the pool lately.  I'll plan to hit the pool at our gym, then, not a problem.  I'm proud of myself not so much for hauling myself to the gym last week as much as I am for hauling myself AND TWO BABIES to the gym!  Leaving them in the child care area is heart wrenching.  I take comfort in the fact that they are in the "babies only" room, and that all personnel there has extensive background/fingerprint checks and monthly drug testing.  It's a great place, it's just hard to walk away from crying babies who are sad because I'm walking away from them.  I know, it's a phase all babies go through.  That doesn't make it any easier!

Anyway, we celebrated the babies' 1st birthday party, so my food was great till then.  I've had a little cupcake every day since (including today already!), but I realized something at lunch as I was chowing down on one.  When I'm feeling thinner, trimmer and less bulky, it's MUCH easier to say no to sweets and stick with the pre-determined cheat day.  Right now, I'm in the stage where I'm doing great to get to the gym and just be aware of my food intake.  It's not like I'm eating 5 or 6 cupcakes (oh yes I can do that, trust me I've seen me do it).  I'm taking baby steps toward a much bigger picture.  I'm not even feeling guilty, I'm just OK with the fact that I keep it to ONE cupcake.  haha

I've got appointments for childcare at the gym already for Monday & Tuesday.  We can only schedule 48 hours in advance, so I've been sure to get it done as each day comes.  This is an intense week of having (out-of-town) company coming to help me sew some baptism gear, so that's going to be it till Saturday.  I'm pretty good with that!

It's A New Day...Again

Well, yesterday was a start and today begins a new phase in my life (oh, how many times have I said that?).  We went to church services yesterday and left DT's (darling twins) to the nursery to stay there for the first time without us.  Wow, that was pretty rough for me.

After church, we stopped by the local athletic center and I signed up.  Yes, that is a huge step for me.  I reserved a spot for child care for today and tomorrow, which means that I'm committed to going for these two days at least.  Getting there is no big deal, it's the routine for DT's and getting them loaded up and dropped off and actually leaving them that's getting me.  Oh, and I'm going at high noon when it's 103 degrees outside.  Add that to the mix.  Can my brain process all this?!  I'm still sore from my swim and grass mowing on Saturday!  I posted those on twitter, are you following me?

Well, it's a huge deal, today is.  I've got 4 weeks until a big event and a dress I've got to fit into, so it's time to get my ass in gear, it's time to start taking the bambinos to day care for at least an hour at a time.  They're being baptized in 4 weeks, and I don't want to be the fat mom in the pictures.  When I see pictures of myself with them, I cringe.  I avoid having my picture made with my babies because I hate the way I look.  That pretty much sucks.

Here's what I'm planning so far:  Writing in my food journal again; it's been a while.  For this week, "cheat days" are Tuesday and Friday (DT's birthday cake).  Going to the gym Today and tomorrow.  Swimming Friday morning and perhaps Saturday morning too.  That's all I've got for now.  I'll try to tweet and keep a post going every now and then.

Wish me luck, I'm headed BACK TO THE GYM TODAY!!!  It's been a long time!  Today's weight check in is 204.2 lbs according to my scale (I"m sure it's at least 25 pounds over).  Here I go!

Easter

Well, Easter was interesting.  It didn't really feel like Easter, but then it never really did to me.

On Saturday, the day before Easter, I spent the day running errands.  It felt so great to get out of the house, but I felt like I wanted to be home with the babies (DT) and DH.  We decided to make our Easter dinner on Saturday evening and eat it then because we knew there was no way we could do it on Sunday.  I was so tired at the end of that day!  It's the most cooking I've done in a very long time!  Since before the babies were born I guess.  We just had some little ham sandwiches with basting sauce - nothing fancy.  But I was exhausted from making just that.  So as we ate at the dinner table, we had already finished feeding DTs theirs.  We let them sit in their high chairs with us at the table.  So we ate our nice Easter dinner with babies howling, whining and babbling.  By this point in the day, Iwas pretty frazzled and thinking to myself, "Are you kidding?!  This is Easter?!"  And a second later I realized, "Yes, this is our new Easter.  This is my new life.  This is it."  And I'm lucky that I have 2 babies.  I can't imagine going through the difficult pregnancy and then delivery and just getting one baby.  That would have sucked a rotten egg.

I love my babies, and it's a new thing for me to practice patience at the end of the day. I love them so much and I wouldn't trade them for the world!  I just need to settle into "mama" and I'll be OK.

Easter day was a church day.  We learned our lesson last week and took the babies in the stroller this time.  That worked very well - note to self!!!  Anyhoo, Easter day was like a normal day except we spent a few minutes before church seeing what the Easter bunny brought.  We didn't make a big deal of it, just 2 tiny felt baskets with a couple of little trinkets for photos.

Action and Reaction

I did go for that walk today.  Yuck.  I hated it.  Why did my HR seem so low, but I could barely breath?  My body burned like fire.  Yes, it was just a walk, not a muscle scorching trip to the gym.

I've been thinking about something I saw on TV about the 3rd (?) law of motion.  For every action, there is a reaction.  I have forgotten that in recent months.  Well, maybe longer than that.  Every move I make with my babies is going to produce some kind of reaction.  They will react to me, or maybe they will react by internalizing what I say and do with them.  I don't want to be the kind of parent that my parents were.  I need to keep that in mind.  "When I say _____, what is my baby's reaction to that?"

Also this applies to me physically.  The action of carrying twins and then having them has a reaction that lasts longer than I realized.

Oh, all this thinking has me tired.  I think I'll go lie down now.

Seasons

I mowed the grass yesterday (gasp!).  I was talking to my neighbor for the first time in months.  I always thought she was a little bit crazy, but maybe she's not.  She said something that I've been turning over in my mind.  We were talking about the struggles to bring up newborn babies and how our yards and landscaping reflect what's going on inside our homes.  She said, "Well, we all have our seasons."


A-HA!  Brilliant!  Yes, now I do see that my life has been a succession of seasons, and never in the order of nature.  I had my spring season when I was in tip-top physical condition (Xena Warrior Princess kickboxing instructor), and now I'm having a little winter. Well, maybe right in the dead of winter.  Trying to pull myself out physically, but limited by the reality that is my new life.  


But am I limited?  Maybe I should think about it differently.  I'm not limited, but rather I have different priorities right now than the size of my ass.  And that crappy extra skin & fat in the "spare tire" region from pregnancy and the inability to stop eating for 3.  Oh, I digress.


OK, I'll say this out loud:  we'll be celebrating our first whole year as parents in late June. I'd like to have a goal of some figure improvements by then.  Like shrinking of backside, elimination of fat.  I want to improve myself for my babies' first birthday.  I need to draw up a map.  How many weeks?  Establish a cheat day (or 2) a week?  Make a meal plan?  When it's too windy to walk (most days now), what's plan B?  OK, time to get to work...


Please feel free to post comments, thoughts, advice, encouragement, humorous insults, whatever!  

Puss Cakes Kiss My XXX

I just don't get to blog as much as I wish that I could. I need to vent, so here I am!

I had a really hard day yesterday. Life bringing up twins isn't for wusses! We got everyone fed, dressed and exercised (with play time) for a trip to church for a Palm Sunday service. That in itself is a hell of a lot of work! We each carry in a baby and find a pew quickly in the back. The babies were like little monkeys through the entire service. I was pretty tired and my arms were burning. I haven't had much exercise besides taking care of them and am still in bad condition regarding fitness. Anyway, when the service was over, we had to wade through crowds of people standing in the way (each of us still carrying a baby), then we finally get outside after pushing through a really heavy door with a floor matt stuck in it (no one stopped to help us struggling to get through the door). There were lots of parents and grandparents standing just outside for the kids' Easter egg hunt to begin. My arm was about to fall off at this point and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! We we had to slowly wade through more people to get to our car, then load up the babies in car seats. Halfway through this process, my arm just gave out and I had to stop for a moment.

After getting everyone clicked in, I sat in my seat watching all the suburban skinny happy smiling moms chase their toddlers around in the grass with Easter baskets. I couldn't help myself - I just started crying. Why am I so tired? Why am I not stick skinny already like all these moms? Why don't I have energy to go to the egg hunt? Why aren't I happy and smiling like all these women with beautiful dresses and freshly blown out hair?

It was at this moment that I just sort of started to begin to unravel for the rest of the day. DH pointed out some very important points to help me feel better and reassure me: where were all the 9 month babies and their mamas?! Nowhere to be found. Good point; we'd only seen families with infants and walking toddlers - not much in between. Second point: Where were all the families with twins? NOT ANYONE TO BE FOUND! We were the ONLY parents with twins in all the hundreds of people around us. Those families probably were at home. Third point: one family pulled up in their car in shorts (they weren't at the religious service) just so they could participate in the egg hunt. Well, that would be easy, to just simply show up for an egg hunt on Sunday and skip church in dresses. I could have thrown on some shorts and done that easily.

So as I cried my way through the day feeling sorry for myself, I had lots of thoughts roll around in my head. People who have never birthed or brought up multiples have NOT THE FOGGIEST IDEA of how hard it is. People who say they do and those who give advice freely need to shut the hell up. Oh, don't even think of telling me that "you understand." Oh, no, you do not. Not for one second!

When I realize that we were the only ones carrying twins, it dawned on me for the millionth time that bringing up twins is not for wusses. All those happy smiling beautiful moms I was seeing are a bunch of puss-cakes with their singletons. I think of how much easier it would be if I had only one baby, but my husband has a much healthier approach. He says, "Well, that's not our reality, so there's no point in thinking about what-if. TWINS is our reality, and we're kicking ass!" Thanks, DH.

I also think that these puss-cakes didn't have my pregnancy. I sat on the couch or in a hospital bed for months. So I can't catch my breath when I carry around a 20 pound baby for 2 hours, that's OK! I don't expect myself to compete in a fitness competition yet, do I? I'm so hard on myself since I was once in such great shape.

I need to give myself a break and LOVE myself instead for what I've been through. I'm a wonderful mom, even though I make mistakes and don't figure everything out right away. Sometimes I lay them in their cribs crying, close the door and walk away because I need a time out. That's OK, right? Yes. I need to rest a lot more than I used to in the afternoons because I'm not in tip top condition yet. That's OK, right? Yes. I need a god damn vacation to a beach somewhere with foofie drinks with umbrellas in them, that's OK, right? HELL YEAH!

Oh, yesterday sucked the big one. But today, I'm doing alright. I'm working on the things that I can change and trying to forget about the things that I can't. Those things aren't worth my energy. I'm just worried about what's available in our house for dinner. That's a pretty easy problem to have right now. :)

I'M BACK

It's been a while! I've got twin babies now. Getting back into any kind of movement has been extremely challenging. At the rate I'm going, I'll be saying, "Oh, I just had twins and I'm still sort of getting into the swing of it...blah blah blah," at their high school graduations. I think my grace period is over and I'm feeling much better.

The challenges at this point are:

-how to make 30 minutes a day for exercise a priority***BIG ONE!

-to keep at it in order to make it a habit again

-to stay motivated when I feel so weak

-to know how to manage my eating habits (I'm not eating for 3 anymore!)

I'm just walking around the neighborhood at this point. Walking with a double stroller and a big dog is quite a challenge. Today, I said, "Screw it, I'm taking only the stroller and Puppy Dog can just deal with it." And you know what? I had a great walk without struggling with a leash. Good for me. That was a great obstacle for me to overcome today. The thought and anticipation of this whole situation makes me not want to go out for a walk. Getting myself and 2 babies ready takes a lot of time (time enough for me to talk myself out of it).

I've got an account at runkeeper.com (it's available as an iPhone app). I turn it on (on my phone) when I walk, and it tracks my location, time, pace, etc. I have the option to join others to create a "street team." It's linked to my twitter account, so every time I exercise, it'll post a tweet.

Well, I'm back to the beginning. Wish me luck! I don't want to be one of those fat lazy moms!

Post-Vaca!

This blog is public - whee!!! Email notification won't be sent anymore when I update, so be sure to visit the site often...www.trainingshoes.blogspot.com. If you see that I haven't been around, feel free to poke me or something. We all need encouragement every now and again. Feel free to recommend that blog to someone who might enjoy reading it - everything here is anonymous (comments go through me first before I can publish them).

Well, woopee! I survived the family, and I can testify that anticipation is far worse than the actual event, but you already know that, right?! Vegas kicked ass and we had a great time. Well deserved! I was pissed that I didn't get into that silver dress, though, but that's another story.

I'm so glad the weather's finally cooling down and I can get outside and walk! I'm really having a hard time getting back in the habit of a daily training routine, and I'm really having a super hard time getting motivated!! I'm in a rut, that's for sure.

Boy, it's been a while since I've been here. It always feels good to be back. It feels good to get my emotions out of me!

Did anyone catch MacKenzie Phillips on Oprah? Wow, that opened up a can of worms all across America, didn't it?! It's amazing how often incest/child molestation happens, yet no one talks about it. This really struck a nerve with me. What really got my attention was hearing her respond to some of her family members' denials about the incestuous relationship instigated by her father. She simply responded with, "Denial is typical and it's normal for them to feel that way." That really explains a lot of my family's behavior - D-E-N-I-A-L!!! Seems like I still have a lot of childhood issues that I'm dealing with.

And it's amazing how I dream of eating junk food when those emotions flood back. "Stressed" spelled backwards is "desserts!" Time to lace up those training shoes...

God, give us the grace to accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed, courage to change the things which should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other. -Reinhold Niebuhr

It's Begun

Here's the beginning of many ranting tweets & posts for the next 24 hours (give a few):

Earlier this evening I made a courtesy call to the family to let them know approximately what time I will arrive to see them: "I'll be there between 5:00 & 6:00."

Response from TOBA ("The Old Battle Ax" I say that with Christian love) in a hateful tone of voice: "That late? Well, what what do you have to do all day?"

My wishful response: "Oh, you know, watching the soaps, eating bon bons, avoiding you guys."

Watch for my upcoming twitter updates for more good laughs.

I'M GOING TO LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!!!!!! AND I'M GOING TO HAVE FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We Are Family

Here is some mucho deliciouso homemade Milky Way cake we made this past weekend. OMG, it is heaven, I tell ya.

Tomorrow I begin the journey to Las Vegas. The dinner tomorrow evening with my family is not weighing on my mind as much - I've given it enough energy and thought that I'm tired of thinking of it.

However, I have been thinking about all the nosey questions I anticipate coming my way, and I have a thought I need to get out of my head.

Question(s): "So, how much did you pay for your Vegas vacation?" or

"When are you going to start having kids?" or

fill-in-the-blank kind of question that is a private matter for me

Answer: "None of your business." or "I'm not comfortable discussing that with you."

Question: "Well, you're not even going to tell me/us?"

Answer: "No."

Question: "Why not?" I especially HATE this question. Why the hell do I owe anyone an explanation?

Answer: "Because it's a private matter to me."

That should be enough reason right there.

It's interesting that some things that are private to me may not be private to someone else. I believe that other people should not be the judge of my privacy, right?

Nosey family members may think, "Well, I don't think it's a private matter, so you should tell me anyway, because inquiring minds want to know. If you chose not to tell me, then you should at least offer an explanation as to why you're not sharing the information." Which is how many families function, I suspect, not just mine.

If I say it's a private matter, then I wish others would RESPECT my privacy and move on to the next topic. I don't owe you any explanation.

OK, I just needed to get that out. Now I'm ready for the family. Bring it on!

Well, I did work out with Wii on Saturday morning for 30 minutes. It was a low level workout because I'd been feeling so sick - and I'm still feeling that way, so I haven't worked out since! I think it must be allergies, because the feeling comes and goes. Who wants to train with a pounding headache and being able to breathe only through your mouth? Not me. I actually have a nose-ache, if that is such a thing.

Well, you know Vegas is approaching! I'm having a very hard time looking forward to it because my first stop on the trip is to visit family (cue ominous music here, something like the Darth Vadar theme). I am anticipating a very strained visit over dinner - it just always goes that way, no matter how joyful I try to be. It's so difficult to get along with my family.

The good news is that I had a super great time meeting with my Alanon sponsor today!!! She is so wise and seemed to know exactly the right things to share with me today. Of the many things she reminded me, here is a nugget of wisdom that I should tattoo on my forearm:

Expectations are preconceived failures.

I have so many expectations of how my family should approach me, what are appropriate subjects to talk about, the right tone of voice to use, etc. I need to let go of my expectations and just worry about my own self! My Sponsor helped me to understand that everyone brings their own baggage to the table. If a conversation turns sour because of something someone said, I need to remember that it might have been said in pain. I do not know the pain, suffering and joy of each person who will be at the dinner table, and therefore I cannot possibly know the agenda behind what's being said. Am I making any sense? It makes perfect sense to me.

I have to curb my desire to respond to (what I deem as) inappropriate questions with vinegar and honey. I just want to (act like a 4 year old) spit back statements that may be as hurtful as the question. For example:

Family member: "Why don't you come visit us anymore?"

Me: "In the entire 11 years of my married life, you never once came to visit me. I'm tired of footing the travel bill."

Other questions I hate:

"When are you having kids?"

"Why can't you spend more time with us today?"

"Why couldn't you get here earlier?"

"Why did cut off all your pretty hair?"

"Have you found a job yet?"

"How much is your vacation to Vegas costing you? Well, you don't even have a job! How are you going to pay for it?" (This will be a likely conversation)

"Since you're not working, how much money is your husband making?"

"When are you coming for our next visit?"

"How's your dad? Why haven't you talked to him?"

These questions sound crazy even to me, but seriously, they get asked at practically every family visit! Once, when I shared my wish to start a garden at our new place in the backyard, I was told, "Well, you can't do that! It takes the years to prepare the soil for a garden. And the grass runners will take over anyway. You won't be able to have a garden, you're just being silly." I'm not exaggerating!

This is typical, and I need to stop worrying about it. I have no control over it.

Now that I've gotten these things off my chest, I'm going to set it aside for now. I'm going to think about Vegas and how much fun I'm going to have with my friend!!!

I'm chairing an Alanon meeting tonight. I'm planning the topic to be "communication." My sponsor recommended remembering "detachment" as well. Yep, it's just what I needed to hear. I'm glad I met with her today!!!

Down and Out

Boo, hiss!!!

Well, I didn't get a workout today. I've been stricken down with something nasty - a virus maybe? I've done nothing but nap all day long. I haven't been sick in years, I think! I've been so healthy for so long that I forgot how bad it feels to be sick!

The back of my neck all the way up to the top of my head feels sore and tender. There is a white pasty substance in the back of my throat (according to my husband) and I feel like I've got golf ball sized tumors back in there. It hurts to swallow. I think I'm dying with swine flu. OK, maybe I'm being a little over dramatic.

I was reading my Alanon book today since I didn't feel like laundry and other manual labor chores. "Gratitude" was one of the subjects, among many others. I did actually get a good chunk of reading finished.

Today I am grateful the I can lay in front of the TV and rest in a comfortable home. Disney's Pinnochio is just coming on ABCFamily, so I'm going to exercise some gratitude before I doze off again. Better luck tomorrow.

Memories!

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it. -Joan Rivers

I had to do some running in place for part of my workout this morning, which I depsise. DON'T INTELLIGENT TRAINERS AND FITNESS SOFTWARE DEVELOPERS REALIZE THAT WOMEN HAVE BREASTS? THESE THINGS BOUNCE, DONCHA KNOW??!! Men and skinny flat chested women just don't understand the gravity of this situation. AAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAAA!!!! GRAVITY!! Oh, boy, I should keep my day job.

I heard from some cousins with whom I haven't spoken in years. Facebook is such a wonderful thing! Oh, some great memories are flooding back, and reconnecting with family doesn't have to be a painful thing. For me, it's unusual, but I love hearing from my long lost cousins! Can't wait to hear more from them!

Yesterday evening for dinner, we made fajitas. Take away the cheese and sour cream and the sheer volume of food intake, and it may have actually been healthy! Ha! Go figure. Anyway, I made homemade whole wheat tortillas, refried beans from scratch a few days before, sweet onions & mushrooms and my husband grilled the chicken. On the side were the beans & spanish rice (made from a packet - not from scratch). Pretty good, but the whole wheat tortillas are a bit cardboard-y.

Yea for me!! I worked out this morning! I took the doggie for a little trek around the neighborhood, even though it's still "crotch-pot-hot." Then I did a 30 minute workout on Wii EASports and it kicked my butt. There are some things I'd change about the program, but at this point, I'm pouring sweat, so I'm not going to fire off a letter to the company just yet. There's no post workout stretching, and that's a big problem for me. Fortunately, I am the smartest woman in the world, so I finished off with my own stretch routine.

In my Alanon program, I am working through the 12 steps with my sponsor. I was surprised that Alanon works the same steps that AA does. At first, I thought, "Why would I need to do this? I don't have a drinking problem." But as I study the steps, attend meetings, and consider the wisdom that people share at meetings, I now realize how important working these steps is to me. And I also think that Alanon is great for everyone, not just family and friends of alcoholics!

I'm working step 2 right now: "We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity." I've been getting hung up on the concept of "God" in this step, but you know what? As I wrote out step 2 just now, I've only just now observed that God isn't even mentioned in the step. Hmm. How about that?

Well, for the time that I've been living with an active alcoholic, I certainly have had many moments of insanity; feeling like I was crazy and wanted to die, scratch my skin off, pull out my hair, etc. Going to Alanon meetings has certainly been "a power greater than myself." Getting my feelings out on paper, sharing with friends, blogging, I consider all of these things great powers. I really love the Star Wars concept of "The Force (or 'The Fierce,' depending on my mood)." I can learn from all of these sources how to bring serenity, balance and peace to my own mind.

Now, I don't like how step 2 is worded: "...power...can restore us...." This power can't magically do anything for me. I can learn the tools, or "study the magic spells" and learn how to make life work well for me. When I run out of gas in the car, a higher power isn't going to make a can of gas magically appear. I have the tools (drivers' license, money, a set of wheels) to help me get to the gas station to fill up. These tools are what I'm learning through my step study.

I mentioned in last evening's meeting that I wish life had an instruction manual, but unfortunately, it just doesn't. A very brilliant person stated later that "for me, the Alanon blue handbook is my instruction manual." Oh, why didn't I see that?! Hmm. Yes, it never dawned on me quite like that; I'm still new Alanon and still discovering!

Have a great Tuesday, Friends. May The Fierce be with you.

A Moment of Self-Realization

So I went to an Alanon meeting this evening thinking, "Hmmm, what more can I possibly learn?" Well, a whole lot, it turns out!

At the meeting, I was reading a passage aloud about resentments and how toxic they can be to us. I realized and shared with the group my thoughts on how I learned the fine art of hanging onto resentments from a very early age. My father's picture is in the dictionary under "resentment." He holds so much resentment to so many people, it's destroyed lots of wonderful relationships for him, and I feel sorry for him.

I realized later (when someone else was sharing) that OH MY GOSH! This is a pattern with my entire family! This is what I learned from watching my father and his sibling regarding resentment:

Forgiveness is a sign if weakness. Resentment (holding grudges and being angry with a person) is a sign of strength. The longer a person can hold onto a resentment, the stronger he becomes. "Real men don't forgive."

I was on the receiving end of that stick during my teenage years, when my father raised me by himself. When I got in trouble, boy, was I in trouble for WEEKS at a time for something as simple as not practicing the piano for 30 minutes (or something as seemingly inconsequential). I don't think my father approached me as a "female/lady/fairer sex" because as I mentioned earlier, I wasn't as much woman as my mother was, and I could certainly never hope to be.

I realize now that even my mother unconsciously taught me not to behave like a lady. I'll never forget this event:

When I was young (maybe 5 years old), I went shopping with my mother for beautiful little girls' dresses. I tried on a few really fairy tale princess-y dresses with the frilly lacy petticoats underneath, you know, the kind you wear with white patent Mary Jane shoes and white socks with big lace around the ankles. It was the first time I remember feeling beautiful. My mom wouldn't let me out of the dressing room, and I understand why, now that I'm older. She shook her head and said, "No, we can't get you these dresses until you lose some weight. You're too fat."

WHAT THE HELL????!!!! I was a child! I have held this memory all my life and never shared it with another soul. I realize now how that one moment damaged my self image for the rest of my life. That one sentence spoken by my mother spun me into a dimension of self-loathing. A mother is supposed to make sure her daughter feels beautiful, not fat.

Well, anyway, back to the whole "my family resents everybody and everything" issue, I came home and talked with my husband about all this. I shared with him that I have approached our marriage with much undeserved and preconceived resentments. I've grown resentful and stayed angry with him for days, not blinking an eye about ruining holidays or special events. Yeah, just like I always hated my father for doing. My god, what have I become?

So, Friends, I have a shortcoming I need to work on. When I get to that step in Alanon, it will be on my list. It's been a big night for me and I'm mentally exhausted. Good night.

Almost Vegas

Well, Saturday was a lazy day, but yesterday I have to tell you about! I did a 45 minute workout on Wii EASports and it totally kicked my butt! Dudes, I was drenched in sweaty sweat! Wow!

Today, I went for a long walk in the hot heat with the doggie and thinking about what I've got to do the rest of the day! Vegas is coming and it hit me this morning - it's next week! Holy cow!

Well, I think I was a bit too hasty when I thought I could fit into the Vegas dress by next week - it's just not happening. But I'm going to keep working on it. I have another super cute dress I found at Ross for $10 I'll be taking to Vegas instead.

Just a quick message to remind myself that I'm still alive and I need to be healthy. Happy Monday everyone!!

Friday Already?!

Well, my motivation has waned. I realize it's been 4 days since I last blogged. And my food journal - well, let's just say that I've procrastinated to the point of blank pages this week. I will be having dinner with some family members I don't see too frequently in just a few weeks, and I'm really dreading it. I think that's got a lot to do with the fact that I'm not fired up this week. I did go swimming and I'm still Wii-ing, though, so I do feel pretty good about that.

I've been having thoughts of switching the blog to "publicly published." This means that anyone would be able to see it. Perhaps you noticed I changed my user name to Ace Mandrel at the bottom of these posts - I'm testing the waters. I do wish to remain anonymous and wasn't even sure if I could do that, but it seems ok so far...

I will be sifting through the posts to check for anonymity (yours and mine!) throughout in the next week or so. I'm still on the fence on this and haven't completely decided. I'll change names if I find any (to protect the innocent). I'll change the settings so that I can read comments first, then choose people's comments to post.

If you have thoughts, please share them! Have a great Friday!

New Monday

Yea! I workout out this morning, but it was rough. I got 15 minutes through an EASports Wii session and started over with another one. My legs are sore, so I thought I picked one that would not focus on legs. Wrongo! So I got a good hour of Wii today. Good for me.

Yesterday I did Kung Fu yard work and ate ice cream. Woo! What a day. It was still too hot to be mowing grass, but I did it anyway. Why? Because I can. And I should!

Food has been pretty good for me today. I don't feel like going into details, but I will say that I had peppers from my garden (stuffed) for dinner. Yummy.

I've had a struggle with my mood today and I've just wanted to eat junk. I spoke with one of my aunts on the phone today. She was really rude (as she usually is) for no reason I could find and I tried my best not to let it eat me up inside. She's like that with me and my other two cousins, as well as a few other family members. Everyone excuses her crappy moods "because she's so heavy and unhappy." That seems to be a theme in my family - "making excuses for others' bad behavior." That really ticks me off. Maybe that's why my aunt is 58 years old and still acts like a 5 year old; because no one taught her to stop.

Also, I am really ticked about Michael Vick, who was on 60 Minutes yesterday evening. As Jill Conner Browne said in The Sweet Potato Queens' Book of Love, "some men need killin.'" The world would be a better place if he would vanish. Perhaps some PETA folks will handle that and I shall do a happy dance. I've just been thinking about how injust and pathetic that whole situation is, and how it pisses me off. So I got on the floor and gave my dog some loving scratching and petting because that's what I CAN do today.

I've been doing housework all day and I'm beat. I think I'll sleep good tonight.

I was watching the show Ruby this past weekend. I think she's on Style Network. I really love that show which I've only just started catching pieces of. She went kayaking for the first time. She talked about how afraid she was to do something new (too fat to get in the boat, she can't do something she's never done before, etc.) and how the old fat Ruby was trying to talk the new slimmer Ruby out of doing something she's always wanted to do. I was really relating to her! If you haven't seen that show, it's worth checking out.

Well, I just don't have anything else to say for today (certainly no words of wisdom). I just feel tired and I'm sure this passage will seem like rambling. I have plans to work out again tomorrow, so I'll see y'all on the flip side!

You guys still with me?!